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Friday, March 2. 2007
Jesus and Mary Drain
Okay, my March resolution is this: At least two blog posts per week! No excuses! Count’em! Feel free to chastise me in the most humiliating manner should I fail in this stupidly easy goal! I mean dammit! I used to write four per week!
Anyway, in Houston, Texas, The Virgin Mary appeared in a seared pizza pan. I kid you not! Now there’s a custody battle between the PTA mothers, who confiscated it and brought it to someone’s home so the faithful could file past and see The Virgin Mary —
Okay, this is going to get me in big, big trouble I know ‘cause someone is going to claim I’m either: A) just trying to be a blasphemer or B) addled by too many hours spent gazing at bikini-clad women at Mission and Pacific Beaches and had a subscription to Playboy for too many years!
I like Playboy, but we’ve covered that topic before so no need rehashing it here.
Back on topic: So, I was watching the minute of coverage this story got on CNN’s 360 –
They have this HOT new co-host, what the Hell’s her name … anyway, she switched from Fox to CNN. The big complaint for the fans of … dammit! What’s her name? The big complaint — from male viewers is this: At Fox she didn’t sit behind a desk and all the guys got to drool over her legs. Now, CNN — that bastion of the liberal commie media — has her sitting behind a desk. No shots of her legs.
Off the track again. I have a one-track mind these days and I can’t seem to get off that track!
So, the Virgin Mary showed up on a pizza pan. The last time was … I’m trying to think … someone’s closet door? Or was it the grilled cheese sandwich? No, Jesus showed up on the closet door and the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. Man alive! Who can keep all these divine appearances straight! Why don’t they just show up at a church somewhere, hang around for a couple of weeks over by the votive candles so the faithful can file past in orderly reverence and then head back to Heaven? I guess there’s a certain amount of media-friendly drama when you show up on a pizza pan or grilled cheese sandwich, but that always opens the door for guys like me to mock and make fun of it!
Okay, if I were God — and of course according to Christianity that would also make me Jesus — I would say to the stigmata appearing fellow heavenly travelers, “Look, we gotta plan our surprise visits a little better. Mary, you’re my Mom but I am God. You really did good when you appeared in Guadalupe and Lourdes, but pizza pans? C’mon Mom!”
St. Patrick, the patron saint of the partying Irish chimes in, “Say Jesus! You think I could pop in at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas? It’s got that Passion connection; lots of sinners there and what happens in Vegas ...” and he hushes when he gets the stern look from the Almighty.
Okay, I’m done mocking it. Here’s what’s so funny: the all-day everyday news channels cover these stories as if they were … REAL! I mean, not even the Vatican takes these things seriously!
So, earlier this week some anthropologists and archaeologists took some heat because they claimed to have found the boney remains of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the Virgin Mary (she shows up everywhere!) and the son of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
I’m staring at a picture of the beautiful face of Nancy Erminia, a gorgeous model with dark black hair and features that would get her the part of Mary in any remake of the nativity or Passion of Christ; or any one of a dozen stories that could be pulled from the Bible for a nice melodramatic picture. What an idea for a movie! What if Jesus really did survive but didn’t ascend into heaven! Nancy, are you up for the part of Mary Magdalene? Alas, you’ll have to wear long black robes for most of your scenes ... (sigh) ... (family harmony prevents me from posting a different picture of Nancy)
But, like the notion that it is really the outline of Jesus on the shroud of Turin, trying to prove, even through DNA, the bones are those of Jesus and his alleged family is really beyond the realm of absolute accuracy. But, if we’re going to give the Shroud of Turin credibility as a real artifact, then why not afford the same consideration to the scientists who claim they found the remains of Jesus?
Well, there is a logical explanation for that and I’ll spill the beans right here: Most of America’s citizens don’t want to believe Jesus did anything but what they think is told in the Bible. If he didn’t ascend into Heaven, then … he couldn’t be divine! And we all know it’s a fact Jesus ascended into Heaven!
Of course the news channels made sure they had plenty of “experts” — Christian believers who didn’t want to accept the possibility that the major tenet of their faith might be … oh, fabricated? — who gave almost scientific explanations of why the bones could not possibly be those of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The “experts” were short on any clinical evidence to support their refutation of the scientists, but they sure sounded like they knew what they were talking about.
The other bit of information that obviously made the bones discovery untrue: film director James Cameron (Alien, Titanic and The Terminator) was involved in the project, which will be aired on the Discovery Channel Sunday Night. The ossuaries were actually found in a Jerusalem catacomb 27 years ago and it was only recently that scientists began investigating the inscriptions on the ossuaries, leading them to believe they might be the remains of Jesus and his family.
The irony at the core of this circumlocution — for the past 700 words — is that the Mary-in-the-pizza-pan story was given the journalistic veneer of having some credibility while the story of scientists who are convinced they found the bones of Jesus was given that “ehhh, this is what they claim but who believes it” treatment reserved for skeptics of everything that goes against what the corporate news bigwigs consider to be the national zeitgeist.
It’s happened before, in the not-so-distant past when those of us in 2002-03 said the “intelligence” on Saddam’s Iraq was suspect at best were labeled un-American and against the troops. Now, four years after the president gave his now infamous State-of-the-Union speech in which he called Saddam Hussein the greatest threat to world peace, we find ourselves bogged down in an unwinnable war and the powers-that-be looking to escalate it even further.
So, based on the past performance of the news media when it comes to credibility … I’m going with the anthropologists and archaeologists who found the bones. It sounds a helluva lot more plausible than the Virgin Mary coming to visit the faithful on a pizza pan.
That was so interesting, there wasn’t any time to talk about the latest news: The Reverand Al Sharpton’s Great Grandfather was a slave owned by the older brother of the late Senator Strom Thurmond! The Daily Show with Jon Stewart had a great bit on it last night.
And now I remembered the newswoman’s name: Kiran Chetry. She can be seen on AC 360 and American Morning. Someone call CNN and tell them we want to see her legs again!
Anyway, in Houston, Texas, The Virgin Mary appeared in a seared pizza pan. I kid you not! Now there’s a custody battle between the PTA mothers, who confiscated it and brought it to someone’s home so the faithful could file past and see The Virgin Mary — Okay, this is going to get me in big, big trouble I know ‘cause someone is going to claim I’m either: A) just trying to be a blasphemer or B) addled by too many hours spent gazing at bikini-clad women at Mission and Pacific Beaches and had a subscription to Playboy for too many years!
I like Playboy, but we’ve covered that topic before so no need rehashing it here.
Back on topic: So, I was watching the minute of coverage this story got on CNN’s 360 –
They have this HOT new co-host, what the Hell’s her name … anyway, she switched from Fox to CNN. The big complaint for the fans of … dammit! What’s her name? The big complaint — from male viewers is this: At Fox she didn’t sit behind a desk and all the guys got to drool over her legs. Now, CNN — that bastion of the liberal commie media — has her sitting behind a desk. No shots of her legs.
Off the track again. I have a one-track mind these days and I can’t seem to get off that track!
So, the Virgin Mary showed up on a pizza pan. The last time was … I’m trying to think … someone’s closet door? Or was it the grilled cheese sandwich? No, Jesus showed up on the closet door and the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. Man alive! Who can keep all these divine appearances straight! Why don’t they just show up at a church somewhere, hang around for a couple of weeks over by the votive candles so the faithful can file past in orderly reverence and then head back to Heaven? I guess there’s a certain amount of media-friendly drama when you show up on a pizza pan or grilled cheese sandwich, but that always opens the door for guys like me to mock and make fun of it!Okay, if I were God — and of course according to Christianity that would also make me Jesus — I would say to the stigmata appearing fellow heavenly travelers, “Look, we gotta plan our surprise visits a little better. Mary, you’re my Mom but I am God. You really did good when you appeared in Guadalupe and Lourdes, but pizza pans? C’mon Mom!”
St. Patrick, the patron saint of the partying Irish chimes in, “Say Jesus! You think I could pop in at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas? It’s got that Passion connection; lots of sinners there and what happens in Vegas ...” and he hushes when he gets the stern look from the Almighty.
Okay, I’m done mocking it. Here’s what’s so funny: the all-day everyday news channels cover these stories as if they were … REAL! I mean, not even the Vatican takes these things seriously!
So, earlier this week some anthropologists and archaeologists took some heat because they claimed to have found the boney remains of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, the Virgin Mary (she shows up everywhere!) and the son of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
I’m staring at a picture of the beautiful face of Nancy Erminia, a gorgeous model with dark black hair and features that would get her the part of Mary in any remake of the nativity or Passion of Christ; or any one of a dozen stories that could be pulled from the Bible for a nice melodramatic picture. What an idea for a movie! What if Jesus really did survive but didn’t ascend into heaven! Nancy, are you up for the part of Mary Magdalene? Alas, you’ll have to wear long black robes for most of your scenes ... (sigh) ... (family harmony prevents me from posting a different picture of Nancy)But, like the notion that it is really the outline of Jesus on the shroud of Turin, trying to prove, even through DNA, the bones are those of Jesus and his alleged family is really beyond the realm of absolute accuracy. But, if we’re going to give the Shroud of Turin credibility as a real artifact, then why not afford the same consideration to the scientists who claim they found the remains of Jesus?
Well, there is a logical explanation for that and I’ll spill the beans right here: Most of America’s citizens don’t want to believe Jesus did anything but what they think is told in the Bible. If he didn’t ascend into Heaven, then … he couldn’t be divine! And we all know it’s a fact Jesus ascended into Heaven!
Of course the news channels made sure they had plenty of “experts” — Christian believers who didn’t want to accept the possibility that the major tenet of their faith might be … oh, fabricated? — who gave almost scientific explanations of why the bones could not possibly be those of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The “experts” were short on any clinical evidence to support their refutation of the scientists, but they sure sounded like they knew what they were talking about.
James Cameron
The irony at the core of this circumlocution — for the past 700 words — is that the Mary-in-the-pizza-pan story was given the journalistic veneer of having some credibility while the story of scientists who are convinced they found the bones of Jesus was given that “ehhh, this is what they claim but who believes it” treatment reserved for skeptics of everything that goes against what the corporate news bigwigs consider to be the national zeitgeist.
It’s happened before, in the not-so-distant past when those of us in 2002-03 said the “intelligence” on Saddam’s Iraq was suspect at best were labeled un-American and against the troops. Now, four years after the president gave his now infamous State-of-the-Union speech in which he called Saddam Hussein the greatest threat to world peace, we find ourselves bogged down in an unwinnable war and the powers-that-be looking to escalate it even further.
Kiran Chetry
That was so interesting, there wasn’t any time to talk about the latest news: The Reverand Al Sharpton’s Great Grandfather was a slave owned by the older brother of the late Senator Strom Thurmond! The Daily Show with Jon Stewart had a great bit on it last night.
And now I remembered the newswoman’s name: Kiran Chetry. She can be seen on AC 360 and American Morning. Someone call CNN and tell them we want to see her legs again!
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