An Alien Mothers Day

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Sunday, May 11. 2008

Am I the only person in this universe that thinks the movie, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial, sucks? During the scene when E.T. and his coterie of kids are flying off in front of the moon, my thought: “Where’s a Winchester Model 70 when you need one?”

Okay, that’s a little severe for a nice children’s movie — or not. Everyone I know loves that movie, adult and child alike. “E.T. phone home.” Remember when that was the cute little phrase on everyone’s lips?
 Actually, if you remember when that was the cute little phrase, have you started to receive your AARP magazine yet?

Well, to be honest, I never saw the movie from top to bottom until ten years ago. It was, once again, on TV. Can’t remember which channel, but that doesn’t matter. Watched it just to support my argument of course. Can’t really say it sucks unless I can say I watched the movie from beginning to end.

Trouble is, Steven Spielberg, the producer and director of E.T. says that movie is the epitome of his filmmaking career. I like Steven Spielberg movies for the most part, including Jaws, the epic film made from the epic novel of the same name written by Peter Benchley. And Saving Private Ryan for that matter.

Truth is, sweet little children’s movies bore me to tears. I’ve seen more than a few of them, having dated several women in my lifetime who have kids. Hard to miss them, single women with children and that really can’t be a barrier to dating.

There are more than a few other significant barriers to dating women, whether they have children or not, and one thing is certain, in any relationship those barriers will pop up and if you’re truly unlucky, result in unplanned coitus interruptus. Just a fact of life. None of us is truly, perfectly matched with anyone, although, after chatting with Miss March, 1978, Christina Smith, I have to admit it’s quite possible to find one who is extremely compatible! Unfortunately, for me, this epiphany came far too late in life … (sigh)
 Christina Smith is a significant figure in my growing up years. Well, actually, my years in the U.S. Marine Corps, which I consider to be a part of my growing up years. While stuck in Kuwae Hospital in Okinawa Japan, recovering from surgeries after an idiotic accident on a motorcycle, her issue arrived, delivered with my other bits of mail by a fellow sergeant, and she, with the sexiest centerfold in the history of Playboy became the hit — the savior — of the ward. I’ve never forgotten that photo, although I have to confess, her name didn’t stick with me. I’m a guy, I wasn’t really looking at her name.
 Fast forward to last year: For whatever reason, Miss March began posting in the Playboy Cyber Club forums. Eight months into our exchange of messages, I think I have found my soul mate. As luck would have it — my kind of luck — she is already happily with someone. But she’s one of my favorite Playmates ever!

Back to the topic at hand, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial. Still trying to figure out what makes it such a beloved film, the greatest film of all time for some and Spielberg’s self-declared signature work.
 Another tangent: have you noticed that since E.T. was released, all the alleged close encounter reports the accompanying artists’ renditions have come to resemble that cute little critter from the movie?
 Of course, Steve and his writer, Melissa Mathison, did their homework and viewed a few artist renderings before creating the unforgettable character, but really, do the little aliens that allegedly visit planet Earth all look like a variation of the Spielberg creation?
 Okay not all of them do, but I’m on a roll.

A loner-type kid, picked on by everyone including his teenage older brother, finds an extra terrestrial in the woods outside his home. Why the federal agents looking for the little critter couldn’t find him is still a mystery to me, but what the hey, this is the fantasy world of children’s cinema. So, the kid with no friends finds E.T., adopts him and brings him home, much to the delight of his mother. Actually not, he hides the little critter in his closet. The critter watches TV and learns to speak English (Wish I could watch Univision and learn Spanish).

Things happen, E.T. phones home and his compadres who left him behind come back to retrieve him. And we have the chase scene, one of the most imaginative chase scenes since Bullet. Which, for me, looks like it should be in an arcade game where you get to pick off the flying bicycles with one of those rifles! The E.T. chase scene that is.

I know, I should be ashamed of myself, writing something so violent, especially ’cause kids are involved, but that’s been my thought for 26 years.
I’m alone in the woods on this one. Maybe I’ll find a little alien, who has seen the movie too and really finds it as boring and emotionally irrelevant as I. Hey, I’ve seen UFO’s, so the existence of other world visitors isn’t too far fetched for me.

There are a couple of notable things about the film for me, bearing in mind what I find notable may not be quite the same as your list of notable bits about E.T. It was Drew Barrymore’s first film and she posed nude for Playboy! Also, Elliott, in a sort of alien-induced trance, kisses the girl of his dreams, played by Miss July 1989, Erika Eleniak.

Both Erika and Drew were too young to be of interest in 1981 when the movie was filmed, but they were quite interesting when they appeared in Playboy! That’s my only interest in E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

As for today, it is Mothers Day. All my warmest wishes to all the Moms I know; I haven’t contributed to anyone’s motherhood myself, but several of my loved ones are wonderful Moms! My Dear Mother, Harriet, is no longer with us, but a Happy Birthday to her as well.

Bet they all like E.T. the Extra Terrestrial.

Posted by Tim Forkes in Life at 13:13 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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