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Monday, July 30. 2007

TV Wasteland ... or Not

Alberto Contador

Okay, this is a long one, but well worth it!

The Tour de France is over and Alberto Contador is the winner! The youngest champion since Jan Ulrich in … jeez, I forgot. 1997. As expected, Australian Cadel Evans came in second and American Levi Leipheimer came in third, so the U.S. Team, Discovery Channel, was well-represented on the podium Sunday in Paris. In fact, Team Discovery Channel dominated the overall, General Classification ranks. Yaroslav Popovych of the Ukraine came in 8th and the venerable American warhorse George Hincapie came in 24th. Not bad.

The Tour still remains under a cloud of doping controversy, but let’s give the sport credit; many of the alleged dopers were kicked off the Tour, either by the tour management, or in some cases, their own teams. Unlike other sports that give dopers suspended suspensions and other noteworthy slaps on the wrist. Yes, I’m being sarcastic about “noteworthy” wrist-slapping. LOL!
LOL is IM-speak for Lots of Laughs! There are a lot of IM codes, if you have young children you ought to know what they mean. I’m no expert, but I know what a MILF is and what IMHO means, but haven’t figured out <3. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, most times it drives me fuckin’ crazy.
I learned some of it watching the NBC/MSNBC Dateline report on Internet child predators.

Chris Hansen

Here’s what I don’t get: NBC has been doing this series for several years now, maybe two, who can keep track, with Chris Hansen surprising the goofy predators, downloaded photos and Chat Room transcripts in hand and most of these yokels are still unaware there’s someone out there looking for them! And, after watching a few episodes, it’s quite clear Hansen and NBC aren’t looking for online sex. Okay, I shouldn’t joke about child predators, but it’s absolutely funny watching the looks on the faces of these idiots who show up at a house, set up with cameras and waiting police officers, when Hansen walks out asking, “What are you doing here?”

“Nuttin, Honey,” is the usual response, albeit without the “Honey.” The funniest ones are the guys who – I kid you not – strip down to their birthday suits while they wait for the decoy (which is either a young-looking man or woman) to join them for drinks and a little fooling around.

Here’s what bothers me about the series: After two years they’re still doing it and it’s a nightly staple on MSNBC; obviously, To Catch a Predator is a very popular program segment, otherwise they wouldn’t continue doing it. My point is, they’re exploiting the problem of child endangerment for their ratings. Maybe that’s a good thing, NBC has had a hand in arresting and convicting hundreds of these guys, but I get the feeling is dancing at it’s ratings hit.
Just to clarify, I enjoy the online company (he-he!) of many adult models. Mainly on MySpace. A few in particular: Melody Pressley, Sabrina Rose, Nikki Fiction, Lindsey Vuolo and Jaime Hammer. I say, if you wanna use the Internets to get your rocks off, by all means do so! What’s the Internets for!
Okay, it’s very useful for educational purposes, bizniz and other forms of entertainment – I have a couple friends who spend the bulk of their free time playing games against other online users and others who spend hours piecing together the family trees, but the internet adult industry is worth billions and men and women find it far more convenient – and discreet – than walking into one of those “book stores.” Although, walking into a Hustler’s store is now all the rage! The Hustler’s on Sunset across from the Whisky a Go Go was doing great business well after most other shopping establishments had closed.

Anyway, NBC has a new cash cow and they’re milking it for all it’s worth.

Lately my life’s been in a bit of a rut and as a result, I’ve watched a lot of television. I’m staying with friends who have the very basic digital cable – no HBO, Showtime; no DVR – NO DVR!! SAY IT AIN’T SO!! – Gad, how painful! I’m forced to watch commercial television – with the commercials! – I’ll go back to church if I can get DVR again!
Okay, I lied. I won’t go back to church …

So, there’s been a lot of TV watching the past month. AMC has been showing, in their edited forms, the three Godfather movies and the made-for-TV mix Francis Ford did, combining the first two with cut scenes from the studio releases. I’ve seen them all now at least three times in the past few weeks. I’ve stopped watching them despite the first two being just about the best films made in the 1970’s.

Here’s where my life has gone completely silly: I’ve been watching reality programs. Say it ain’t so. My favorites being Top Chef on Bravo, Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels on A&E and – I kid you not – Scott Baio is 45 and Single on VH1 Oh, and let’s not forget The Girls Next Door on E!.
When you buy the Season DVD’s for the Girls, they come without the blurring we see as the various women scamper around Hef’s house nekkid!

There are a few other reality shows I’ve watched, but they mostly suck. The 2 Coreys started last night on A&E but that blows chunks. I couldn’t even finish watching the two pilot episodes. Corey Feldman – one of the two Coreys – does have an absolutely HOT wife (Susie), but that’s not enough to sustain a show. Besides, she’s always dressed. I started watching Brett Michaels’ House of Rock on VH1, a show which started with 21 hotties half Brett’s age vying to be his girlfriend, but most of the girls act like 13-year olds (possibly a pre-requisite to getting on the show) and when they started throwing punches I turned it off.
This is funny though: At least half the women on that show have breast enhancements, which is okay with me, I like’em raw or done up. But, one hottie, with the personality of a 12 year old and an enhanced rack Pamela Anderson would be proud to call her own, started insulting another woman with larger breast implants! Obviously, this show has lots of comedic potential, but there’s only so much pubescent teenage personality I can take from people in their 20’s.
This show went way off the rails when Brett sent home August, 2005 Playboy Playmate Tamara Witmer. But not to worry, she’s now dating Bruce Willis, a much better catch than Brett Michaels.
Did you know Kelly Monaco, star of ABC’s General Hospital was the April, 1997 Playmate of the Month? Damn, I’m just full of useful facts!

So anyway, House of Rock has possibilities, but the average maturity level of the remaining women makes it tough to stay tuned for more than a few minutes at a time.

Gene Simmons and Family

My real favorites though are Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels and Scott Baio is 45 and Single. Family Jewels stars Gene Simmons, tongueman and bass player for the rock group Kiss. He lives with his long-time girlfriend, Shannon Tweed – herself Playmate of the Year, 1982 – and their two children, Nick and Sophie, both teens and both quite funny!

Simmons is a multi-millionaire and it’s hard to tell what he loves more: making money or his family. It’s one of the running gags. Recently, Shannon placed a losing $100,000.00 bet on the Kentucky Derby. Gene almost went into cardiac arrest. This is a funny show. If your life is as dismally boring as mine, it will perk up your day.

Top Chef pits 15 top chef wannabes against each other in cooking challenges that require them to not only think fast, but prepare superb gourmet meals in as little as 30 minutes. Great recipes in this show and you can download them from the Top Chef web site. It’s entertaining and the show has celebrity judges – that are mostly top of the realm chefs unknown to most of us – but there are a few judges you might recognize, like Lorraine Bracco, Dr. Melfi on The Sopranos, who has her own vineyard and my favorite guest judge, Ted Allen, one of the “Fab Five” from Bravo’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Hef, Holly, Bridget and Kendra

What straight male can say “no” to a show about Hugh Hefner living with his three girlfriends? Well, I would if my life was a bit more … of a life … but having admitted my current cultural failings, it’s turned out to be an excellent program. A couple of the women models I chat with online were really excited about this program so earlier this year I got a hold of the first two seasons on DVD. It wasn’t all that impressive, in fact I sold both sets of DVD’s before watching any of the second season, but this season has turned out to be fantastic! Nearly every episode revolves around a Playboy Mansion party – pity the staff that has to prepare everything for the events – from the Midsummer Night’s Dream to the birthday parties of the four principle characters: Hef, Holly, Bridget and Kendra. Kendra is from San Diego and she’s a big time Chargers fan. She’s your “basic” athletic tomboy who just happens to be EFFIN HOT! Oh, and she also likes to scamper around the mansion au natural! She’s my favorite of the three!

Okay, this one’s a no-brainer for a guy like me, but for nearly 40 years Hef has been a personal hero of mine and his attention to all the details of his ground-breaking magazine make this a must-see for anyone interested in the nuts and bolts of publishing. There’s not much of the publishing on The Girls Next Door, but when they do show Hef engaged in some work on the magazine, his focus and standards of technical perfection make him a role model worth studying for any aspiring publishing entrepreneurs. Yeah, I read the effin articles …

Best of all is Scott Baio is 45 and Single. Go ahead and laugh, but this show has character. Scott Baio is trying to figure out why he’s never been married, and it’s a little deeper than him just being famous and rich. Scott is like me: a selfish, self-centered a-hole – except that he’s rich, famous and good-looking. (sigh) I’m so envious! But now, Scott is trying to change so he can get married and have children. (sigh) Why!!?? Seriously, the show centers around his relationship with his life coach, a psychologist who gives him tasks to explore why he has dated so many and dumped them all – or they dumped him once they found out he was cheating on them – a lot!
Oh, Scott Baio was a teen star on Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi and then Charles In Charge.

Scott’s list of girlfriends will make most men weep: Playmates Julie McCullough and Pamela Anderson (two among several), Denise Richards, Beverly D’Angelo, Heather Locklear, Brooke Shields, Nicolette Sheridan and Liza Minelli -- LIZA!!?? – well, that’s the online rumor.

His search for the answers makes this a program with purpose and actually has me wondering if, at the end of the eight-week period, he will ever get back with his current girlfriend and finally get married. The first couple episodes have been not only entertaining, but intellectually stimulating as well. It’s fun to watch as Baio describes his perfect woman – and all he can really come up with are physical attributes – but that scene describes in a few seconds the dilemma of every guy wondering why he has the wife/girlfriend he has, or why he (me) has never been married: We don’t want to bother with anything deeper than the blonde hair, nice boobs and bootilicious butt.

Posted by Tim Forkes in Media Madness at 15:15 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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