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Monday, March 2. 2009
The Value in Life
Every night when going to sleep I wonder if I'll wake up the next morning. It isn't a morbid doom and gloom depression; no I have a serious heart problem. Thirteen years ago I had a massive heart attack that caused so much damage, one chamber does not work. Lately, in the past six months, I've been experiencing severe problems with physical activity, my heart struggling to pump enough blood as I pedaled up and down the hills getting to and from all the places I was going.On December 31st (New Year's Eve day, of all days) I saw my primary care provider at the V.A. clinic in Mission Valley and told her about the most recent troubles. She then ordered new blood tests, new meds and a consult with a cardiologist. I've been to the cardiology department three times now since the end of January, literally since I was laid off from my job. And the verdict is a heart procedure Monday, March 2, 2009.
Rather than fret about it, I’ve tried to take the positive view. Most of the people I know who have gone through any of the various procedures have survived and many these days are just getting stents which get you in and out of the hospital over night.
The other option is open heart, bypass surgery, in which case I’d be in the hospital for at least a few days, a week even. And if there are any complications, maybe longer.
One friend, Joe, told me he had open heart twice and he’s going in for more procedures. He’s got problems with his heart valves and is hoping they don’t have to cut through his sternum again. It was surprising because Joe is one in-shape mo-fo and mentors Navy SEAL candidates.
This doesn’t surprise me, but it is still gratifying: the number of people who have offered their good will, wishing me well and giving me their support and concern. You know you have a life well-lived when the people around you are not only still around, but even closer when life gets a little rough. That’s truly a blessing, receiving all the love and support — even from people I’ve only known through the Internet. Not everyone on the Internet is a faker or poser.
Sunday my friend John and I went to Pacific Beach, mainly to walk around to look at bikinis and have a really unhealthy lunch at Hooters. Now that’s a restaurant! The Hooters Girls co-sign my B.S. so effortlessly and with a smile — or at least a wink and a roll of the eyes — who wouldn’t believe their Three Mile wings are heart healthy? Well, okay, no one would, but telling the lie at Hooters was funny!
Being a cardiac invalid for the past five weeks has given me a lot of time to be introspective, evaluate where my life has been and what appears to me to be insufficiency. Everyone has character defects, no one is perfect, but a common character trait is to compare ourselves to the lives of others. That’s always a self-defeating exercise of course. We have no idea what other people are going through.
We see, for instance, the rich guy driving that nice Mercedes AMG. My first thought is to envy him, but then I gotta ask myself, what is he giving up to have that luxury? The point is, we all have character defects and good character traits and if you do an inventory of yourself, it’s misguided and in error if there is nothing in the “job well done” column.
We don’t wish to dwell on the past, but we don’t wish to shut the door on it either. Looking forward is always the way to move ahead in life, whether it’s in your professional or personal life, but it’s always good to look at the past and see what we can learn from it, what we did that helped us succeed and those roadblocks we put in our own way.
It’s also nice to look back and remember I’ve had a pretty decent life so far. A few bumps in the road, some serious setbacks to be sure, but for the most part, a pretty cool and sometimes exciting life. I’ve been backstage with the Grateful Dead among others. Been scuba diving on both sides of the Pacific Ocean. Jumped out of an airplane — although I really have no interest in doing that again.
Then there were the times I was a caregiver to my ailing brother Carl. Some of my humblest, best moments came when I had the privilege of pushing him around in a wheelchair through the V.A. hospital. Truly, it doesn’t get any better than that. Being of service to your loved ones and your community are the best experiences in life.
Still, I would like to win the lottery, or a life-changing jackpot in a casino, who wouldn’t, but that isn’t the real measure of one’s life. It’s all material.
Thirteen years ago when I had my first heart attack, I was laying on a gurney in the back of an ambulance, a lot of money in my pockets, a nice sports car parked at the curb and my chest in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. At that moment I realized none of those material possessions had any value. None. About the only material item that had any value was my health insurance card.Regardless of that truth, I like my things. I don’t have many really, but what’s here I guard jealously. That’s the dichotomy I guess, sit here and write about spiritual matters but have such a connection to a few material items.
Monday though, I go into the hospital and all these things, this Trusty Macintosh, the Trusty Trek, they will all be left behind. All that will be with me in that hospital room will be my family and friends, in thought and spirit and a few will be there in the flesh. That’s all I’ll really need. That’s all I really have that has any value.
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