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Thursday, November 26. 2009
Thankful
What to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
For many years I had a real negative opinion of “The Holidays,” Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. Early on, after exiting the Marines you couldn’t get me to smile on Thanksgiving. Just hated it. Hated everything. Really hated when people, with good intentions, would invite me over to their place or that of their parents for Thanksgiving.
Life sucked.
There’s a lot of reasons for that, not the least of which is I stayed drunk and/or stoned 90% of the time I was not unconscious. But it’s hard to like life, let alone love life, when you hate yourself. At the time I didn’t like myself, where I was at in life and where I was going — and at the point it was going to either jail or the grave.
Sometime, probably 1982, my two older brothers came to see me in Milwaukee. I was living in a basement at the time, totally out of it, to find out what was happening with me. I don’t remember their visit, barely remember the basement, but their conclusion was that I would not survive the following Milwaukee winter. So, that’s what they told our mother and, according to one older brother, they looked into funeral preparations.
Now, there are thousands — maybe millions — of Americans just in my lifetime who have similar stories. The outcome for most is an early grave. That’s just the reality. Often, their obits and/or death certificates will say “death from heart failure” or “complications from pneumonia,” but the heart failure, pneumonia, cirrhosis and any number of diseases were (are) caused by acute addiction to alcohol and other drugs.
“Death From Heart Failure” is a nice wrap for the deceased’s family for a sad, sad life that caused them as much frustration and pain as it did the one who has died. The difference being of course: the loved ones have to go on living with their broken hearts and anger.
For the lucky and blessed few, survival of the worst and freedom from the bondage of addiction means a new life, a new beginning — a rebirth in the jargon of some. I’m one of the lucky ones although my family and friends sometimes grit their teeth when I open my yapper or expose them to some of my more … err … instinctual … pursuits.
I’m blessed that many of my family members are Frank Zappa fans! We can text each other with Zappa lyrics and spend all day “singing” Zappa via text message! How cool is that! And we don’t quote the easy songs. Hell no! We go for the obscure, “you need to be a Zappaphile to know this one” songs!
My sister Elaine and I often quote Grateful Dead songs back and forth via the text message! Often whatever songs had popped in our heads and rambles in that Grateful Dead sort of vibe, all day long. What I got going in my head lately is “China Cat Sunflower” from the 100 Year Hall recording. Awesome recording.
My friends, well Shurilla sent me a Phi Zappa Krappa poster, but more than that, my friends have stood by me in thick and thin, good and bad. Can’t put a price tag on that. Yep, all things being equal, with all the aches and pains, surgery, pneumonia and battles with the bureaucracies of the V.A. and California State government — the Employment Development Department in particular — life today is far better than it was all those years ago and full of much to be thankful for on this day. What makes me most thankful: today I can see and appreciate all these great blessings of life.
In a bit I’ll be off to spend Thanksgiving with a large gathering of friends. Couldn’t imagine life getting any better.
For many years I had a real negative opinion of “The Holidays,” Thanksgiving and Christmas in particular. Early on, after exiting the Marines you couldn’t get me to smile on Thanksgiving. Just hated it. Hated everything. Really hated when people, with good intentions, would invite me over to their place or that of their parents for Thanksgiving.Life sucked.
There’s a lot of reasons for that, not the least of which is I stayed drunk and/or stoned 90% of the time I was not unconscious. But it’s hard to like life, let alone love life, when you hate yourself. At the time I didn’t like myself, where I was at in life and where I was going — and at the point it was going to either jail or the grave.
Sometime, probably 1982, my two older brothers came to see me in Milwaukee. I was living in a basement at the time, totally out of it, to find out what was happening with me. I don’t remember their visit, barely remember the basement, but their conclusion was that I would not survive the following Milwaukee winter. So, that’s what they told our mother and, according to one older brother, they looked into funeral preparations.
Now, there are thousands — maybe millions — of Americans just in my lifetime who have similar stories. The outcome for most is an early grave. That’s just the reality. Often, their obits and/or death certificates will say “death from heart failure” or “complications from pneumonia,” but the heart failure, pneumonia, cirrhosis and any number of diseases were (are) caused by acute addiction to alcohol and other drugs.
“Death From Heart Failure” is a nice wrap for the deceased’s family for a sad, sad life that caused them as much frustration and pain as it did the one who has died. The difference being of course: the loved ones have to go on living with their broken hearts and anger.
For the lucky and blessed few, survival of the worst and freedom from the bondage of addiction means a new life, a new beginning — a rebirth in the jargon of some. I’m one of the lucky ones although my family and friends sometimes grit their teeth when I open my yapper or expose them to some of my more … err … instinctual … pursuits.
I’m blessed that many of my family members are Frank Zappa fans! We can text each other with Zappa lyrics and spend all day “singing” Zappa via text message! How cool is that! And we don’t quote the easy songs. Hell no! We go for the obscure, “you need to be a Zappaphile to know this one” songs!
My sister Elaine and I often quote Grateful Dead songs back and forth via the text message! Often whatever songs had popped in our heads and rambles in that Grateful Dead sort of vibe, all day long. What I got going in my head lately is “China Cat Sunflower” from the 100 Year Hall recording. Awesome recording.
My friends, well Shurilla sent me a Phi Zappa Krappa poster, but more than that, my friends have stood by me in thick and thin, good and bad. Can’t put a price tag on that. Yep, all things being equal, with all the aches and pains, surgery, pneumonia and battles with the bureaucracies of the V.A. and California State government — the Employment Development Department in particular — life today is far better than it was all those years ago and full of much to be thankful for on this day. What makes me most thankful: today I can see and appreciate all these great blessings of life.
In a bit I’ll be off to spend Thanksgiving with a large gathering of friends. Couldn’t imagine life getting any better.
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