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Thursday, November 17. 2011

The Funniest Reality Show

“I’ve got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”

Probably the most damaging — and humorous — statement from former Republican frontrunner, Herman Cain. He got one of those “gotcha” questions from the editorial board of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, my hometown paper. The question: “Do you agree with President Obama’s policy on Libya?”

Cain paused, shifting in his seat, as things got uncomfortable. He moved his bottle of water a few inches on the table as a cloud of fear and doubt crossed over his face. He glanced to the ceiling, as if there might be a plausible answer taped up there somewhere.

Then, in real Herman Cain fashion, he began making it up as he went along with his reply. “I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reasons. Umm. No that’s a different one.”

That’s when all that stuff was twirling in his head. “It was a pause, that’s all it was! Good grief!”

The Republican field is, for comedians, the gift that keeps on giving. Saturday Night Live, known for it’s great parodies of political figures, doesn’t even have to write its material this election cycle. They just need to use the transcripts from the various debates, interviews and other gaffe-filled moments on the campaign trail.

Michele Bachmann; even her former campaign manager, Ed Rollins, thinks she’s an idiot. And from the looks of the polls, so do Republican voters. She hasn’t had double-digit popularity since she won the Iowa Straw Poll in August. That’s when I learned how someone actually earns that title: they pay for it.

To vote in the Iowa Straw Poll you have to buy a ballot for $35. What she did was buy well over 6,000 ballots and give them away to people who promised to vote for Bachmann as she was feeding them barbecue and treating them to free concerts featuring big name country acts. And she had chairs in her tent so people could sit down.

But then she started talking … and talking and talking, mostly about repealing the Affordable Health Care Act and making sure Barack Obama is a one-term president and if elected she would build a double fence along the border with Mexico because dammit! Only one just wouldn’t do!

And then she said a vaccine to prevent cervical cancer caused mental retardation. Oops.

This is the woman who compared going to Iraq during the heat of the insurrection to going to the huge Mall of America in the Twin Cities; the woman who claims there is no scientific evidence that proves carbon dioxide is harmful; that Melissa Etheridge got cancer because she’s a lesbian and that the founders of this nation worked tirelessly to end slavery — despite the fact that nearly half the founders owned slaves and fought vigorously to keep anti-slavery language out of the Constitution when it was first written. And the list goes on.
 I was reading things about Bachmann on the Internets and found a site that is chockfull of Bachmann and Palin supporters. These people really, truly believe Michele Bachmann is the answer to America’s ills.

When Texas Governor Rick Perry got into the race, Republicans far and wide rejoiced! A Tea Party guy who wasn’t Mitt Romney or Michele Bachmann. He had all the great sound bites and he threatened to have Texas secede from the Union! Hell, he packs a gun when he jogs and he shot a coyote that might have threatened his Pomeranian! And then there was that prayer party he held in Houston right before he announced his candidacy. Had I been a Teabagger at the time I would have had a boner too!

And then Rick Perry started to speak in paragraphs … or at least he tried. His first debate was a disaster, but people thought he would get better, or at least prepare for debates. But his performances in the second and third debates were worse than the first. He couldn’t articulate on Romney’s flip-flopping and then he couldn’t name the three agencies he would get rid of if he were elected president.
 You know, I’m giving Perry a pass on that one. How many times have I forgotten something that is usually so obvious? Too many to count.
 But then you gotta wonder: if the Department of Energy were abolished who would oversee the nuclear industry?

Newt Gingrich is the latest “I’m not Mitt,” candidate. He’s jumped in the polls, but coming to light as of Wednesday: he worked for the mortgage giant Freddie Mac for eight years as a “consultant,” i.e. lobbyist.

At first he said Freddie Mac hired him as a historian, and then a consultant for strategic advice. But, the management of Freddie Mac said he was hired to help lobby Congressional Republicans to favor the mortgage giant — to the tune of nearly two million dollars. And this is the guy who has been bashing President Obama for taking campaign contributions from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

This man has no shame. And he flip-flops as much as any candidate, including his Republican opponent, Mitt Romney. He did an interview on Meet the Press lambasting the fringes of the Left and Right, especially Congressman Paul Ryan’s budget proposal. The Tea Party reacted immediately and within 48 hours Newt was apologizing and calling Ryan’s budget, which called for the end to Medicare, courageous.

Speaking of Mitt Romney, who can forget him telling people there are a lot of reasons not to vote for him? Then he starts giving us reasons not to vote for him — and this is after he’s proven to be more of a flip-flopper than John McCain!
 Let the foreclosure crisis play itself out so investors can buy all those foreclosed properties and have the former homeowners return to being renters! Yeah! Make it a windfall for the One Percent!
 We can’t forget “Corporations are people too!”
 Oh yeah, he told unemployed Florida residents, “I’m unemployed too!”
 And of course: “Anderson! Anderson! Rick isn’t playing fair!’

Mitt isn’t liked by the Republican faithful, never gets more than 25% of the popular support in the polls, but he could, by default, wind up with the nomination. Right now he is even with Gingrich and Cain in the polls, but there aren’t many people who think either of them have any staying power. Gingrich is too insincere and Cain is so ill prepared for holding any office, especially the presidency, neither could be seriously considered for the nomination once the actual voting begins.

There are a couple of candidates in the race who could be serious challengers to president Obama, former governors Buddy Roemer and Jon Huntsman, but they are so unpopular with Republican primary voters they aren’t even considered serious challengers for the Republican nomination. For primary voters, Huntsman and Roemer are far too moderate. They’re almost liberals!

One thing each that I like about Roemer and Huntsman: Buddy Roemer supports the Occupy Wall Street Movement and Huntsman, the son of a billionaire, dropped out of high school to be a rock band keyboardist. That’s probably not a good reason to vote for the former governor of Utah, but it makes him cooler than the other candidates.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Hell, I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report every night to see it, besides my daily doses of the news networks. Remember how we all were shocked and then laughed when Sarah Palin was picked to be John McCain’s running mate? Well, this is the same thing — times eight.

We’re going to need more popcorn.

Posted by Tim Forkes in NEWS and POLITICS at 06:01 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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