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Tuesday, November 29. 2011

Did You Cyber?

It came and went, Cyber Monday. We had Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday — time out for football on Sunday — then Cyber Monday. It’s all got something to do with Christmas shopping. Unless you have some kind of digital fetish and think “Cyber” means something entirely different.

Back about 10-14 years ago there was this activity people did using instant messaging programs like AOL Instant Message (AIM) ICQ and Yahoo Messenger. You would hook up with some like-minded individual of the gender you liked having sex with and then trade sexual commentary back and forth in real time.

You’d meet these individuals on the social networking sites of the day and eventually one of the participants would ask, “Do you cyber?”
 “What’s that?”
 Then the other explained it in great detail and being the curious type I … I mean other people … started accounts on Yahoo Messenger and checked it out. And that lasted until “they” started asking for money.

So, Cyber Monday could, in the minds of some, mean getting online with your favorite virtual partner and having consensual self-gratification together, complete with pictures that may or may not be the actual person with whom you are digitally cobobulating.
 Yeah, I just made up that word!

In this day and age, who does that any more? Now people can use Skype, the internet digital video telephone program that lets you see the person you are Skyping with and one would assume participants could be in various stages of undress while doing it.

People are fond of taking photos of themselves in front of mirrors, using their iPhones and Blackberries, then texting them to their friends. The downside of doing that is, well, eventually all the rest of us finally get to see them on the Internets.

There are more than a few stars who have found their intimate portraits, taken specifically for the ones they love, distributed far and wide for the entire Internet population to enjoy. Scarlett Johansson and Vanessa Hudgins come to mind. Hell, I didn’t even know who Vanessa Hudgens was until the controversy over her self-taken nude photos hit the Internets. Disney starlets — ya gotta love’em!

Then there was that Disney girl, Anne Hathaway! Damn girl! She didn’t go the informal nude iPhone pics route, she made a movie in which she got totally nude for her many fans! Havoc, if you haven’t seen it. Rent it on Blu-Ray today!
 Just read this online: the former Disney princess is engaged again. And I thought I had a shot.

Remember back in the good old days when Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee had their home sex tapes pilfered and distributed? For over a decade now Anderson has owned the rights to it and makes money off the tapes and since then many celebrities have had sex tapes mysteriously appear on the market. Having seen clips of a few, I wouldn’t pay to own any of the DVD’s.

We’re getting a little far afield here so back to Cyber Monday, the answer to pushing and shoving through the malls of America. It’s the official start of the online shopping most people do these fays. Why stand in line at Macy’s register when you can order the item directly from the warehouse and have it shipped, wrapped with a nice gift card, to the recipient of your token of love.

A few years ago I worked for a catalogue company that did nearly all of its business online. The rest of it was by phone. Their digital process was so efficient their need for customer service was cut by nearly 80%.

What also helped was getting the orders correct so that the purchases made it to their destinations on time and in perfect condition. Because of those factors the company had little need for a large number of people answering their phones.

They laid off nearly 80% of their work force.

Getting the shopping done online is easy and efficient. Since Amazon opened its virtual doors every retailer in America has followed suit and opened their business up online as well. We can order groceries online and have them delivered!

The one thing Internet shopping does though is it separates us from each other. We don’t interact with these strangers in stores, being patient and tolerant as we wait for those in front of us to check out. We don’t get to ask questions of a helpful sales associate nor can we ogle each other as we strut in our holiday finery. One of the reasons I like going to the University Towne Center and Fashion Valley malls during the Christmas season is to watch the people. You can’t get that online

A few days ago I wrote about us becoming a nation of consumers instead of producers. The more convenient it is to shop, the more we consume and the people who purchase the most online are those who work in offices in front of computers all day. The people who sit in offices all day aren’t producing products, they’re usually providing a service or pushing paper from one digital pile to another. And their wages usually suck. I know because I’ve had plenty of those new tech, low wage positions.

To be honest, I like purchasing stuff online. It’s nice to be able to purchase a Zappa album and have it download directly to my iTunes. On the other hand, I miss browsing through my local used record or CD store looking for beloved chestnuts from days gone by, like Joe’s Garage by FZ. The Central Scrutinizer!

Real live shopping will never go away completely, most of us are still social animals and like the interaction with our fellow humans. We crave that human touch. Reaching out and touching someone digitally is fine, but touching them, seeing them in person feels so much better. Always. Ask any spouse who Skypes with a loved one serving in Afghanistan.

According to the news, retailers did real well since Black Friday, which now starts late Thanksgiving night, and Cyber Monday was much better this year than last. Good news for President Obama — and the rest of us — if the economy is coming back. But I will always prefer the warmth of a live body to that of a cold image on a computer monitor.

On the other hand, some things can only be had through online providers. Just got an e-mail from Dead.net about the latest releases from the vaults. You can never have too many recordings by the Grateful Dead! None of them are available in stores. Just try finding any Dick’s Picks in your local retailer, or Grateful Dead t-shirts and hoodies. You have to shop the Dead’s online site.

One more little item to note about shopping online: some impatient, greedy asshole isn’t going to pepper spray you just to get first dibs on the Xbox or shoot you in an effort to steal your purchases. Someone could of course steal your personal info and that would suck, but most sites are extremely secure these days.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to view all the tie-dyes and download a few musical freebies. Enjoy the holiday season, whether you shop or not. The reason for the season is to strengthen those connections with our friends and loved ones. Whether we do it with a gift, a card or just a smile, let’em know you still love’em.

Posted by Tim Forkes in HOLIDAYS at 12:01 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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