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Saturday, December 17. 2011

World of Witchcraft

Okay, this is political. Lately I’ve been staying away from politics. Some of my friends and family members are on the opposite — for some, the far opposite — end of the political spectrum and quite frankly, I value their friendship and love more than my right to shoot my keyboard off with my political views. But, this is just too funny not to talk about. Seriously, it would be funny regardless of the political affiliation!

So, what is funnier: Herman Cain was named in Barbara Walters’ list of 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011. That’s not the funny part, but go ahead and laugh if you feel the need. In the course of her interview of Cain, Walters asked the one-time Republican presidential candidate if he could choose to be a secretary in a presidential cabinet, which would he like to be? His answer: Secretary of Defense. That’s not the funny part, but go ahead and laugh if you feel the need.

No, the funny part is Walters’ reaction: “WHAT?!”

As Jon Stewart pointed out on The Daily Show Wednesday Night, in her nearly 50 years of television experience Barbara Walters has never been shocked by any interview and she’s done’em all, every despot, once living and now dead, some of the sleaziest characters in politics and business and the strange ones in life and entertainment.

So, when Herman Cain can get Barbara Walters’ jaw to drop and her eyes to pop out, that’s a big deal — and funny. Now, Herman Cain, in his short rise and fall in presidential politics, has had some humorous moments, most, if not all, of them unintentional. We’d wait each day for the latest Hermanism, from his not knowing Uzbekistan to the “Smoking Man” TV ad to the “… umm … President Obama was for the rebels, right? …” in Libya.

None of that mattered to his supporters of course, apparently ignorance is a sign of strength, but what brought down the Hermanizer was his being a womanizer — or a masher. This is kind of odd: when women were coming out of the wood work accusing Cain of sexual harassment and assault, his supporters were okay with that, but as soon as a woman stepped forward with evidence they she and Cain carried on a consensual sex affair for 13 years, that’s when Cain’s support began to falter.

So, is that the funniest thing that happened this week in the world of politics, or is it this: Mit Romney got a very public, and laughable, endorsement from failed senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell. That’s not the funny part, but if you remember who she is and feel the need to laugh, please do!

If you don’t remember, she was the Teabagger favorite in Delaware who tanked a legitimate Republican candidate for the Senate seat now filled by Democrat Christopher Coons and once filled by Vice President Joe Biden.

O’Donnell’s bid for the Senate seat was filled with mirth, from the moment she announced ’til the moment she conceded defeat. She was going to lead the new Tea Party Revolution! 2010 was the year of the Tea Party, when a large number of ultra-conservative Republican candidates identified themselves as being Tea Party affiliated.

In a very public primary race, Republican O’Donnell defeated Republican Establishment candidate Mike Castle, who would have almost surely beat Coons, the Democrat, in the general election. O’Donnell’s Tea Party confederates thoroughly trashed Castle in the primary campaign, bringing outrage and tears from the establishment of the Republican Party. Karl Rove wanted to cry.

O’Donnell was one of the Tea Party’s favorites, making the news every night as her tide swept the beach heads of the primary landscape. She was leading Mike Castle in the polls, the Tea Party giddy with the fantasy that they, the true patriots of America, would wrest control of this great nation away from the forces of evil that had gripped it around the throat — them evil Democrats led by that Muslim, extremist, Socialist, Fascist Obama.

Oh, the Teabaggers could feel it coursing through their every fiber, their anticipation building to that climax when they would know, when that would feel, when they would erupt in an orgasmic explosion of ideological triumph, their prayers to take back their country answered in one hallowed blessing of an erection … I mean election. Their democratically elected offspring, they fantasized, was near at hand.

And when O’Donnell emerged victorious on that primary evening, they all leaned back against the headboard of history and reached for that congratulatory cigarette, their appetites momentarily satisfied, until they could once again feel the rush and excitement of electoral supremacy, as they vanquished yet one more foe, that evil Democrat, Chris Coons, in the general election. Why, even his name sounded Black! Christine O’Donnell was a virgin no more; she had finally won an election.

But it was not to be. Throughout her adult life, when running for public office, O’Donnell made the mistake of opening her mouth to state her platforms and agendas and to answer questions. Tea Party candidates should have learned from watching Sarah Palin: never take questions from the media!

O’Donnell must have felt immune because she talked. Maybe her confidence was buttressed by the fact she had appeared on that Satanic TV show, Politically Incorrect years earlier. She had survived hours on TV with Bill Maher so how tough could running for the Senate get? That’s when the trail of videos began to form, leading inexorably, to her political demise.

“I’m not a witch,” O’Donnell told the voters of Delaware, but it was too late. The weight of her past held her candidacy down in the muck and grime of her own bubble-headed words.
 “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and now we have mice with fully functioning human brains!” O Dear!
 From her anti-masturbation campaign in the mid-’90’s when she was part of MTV’s Sex in the ’90’s series. “If he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, than why am I in the picture?” Good point! What the fuck are you doing here?
 On that subject, she told the Wilmington News-Journal, “Sex is a covenant between a man and a woman and God. … Your job is to satisfy the other, the giving of oneself to another. Porn turns that around.” Well, porn is big on doing it doggy style.
 Then there were her moments on Politically Incorrect. “I dabbled into witchcraft — I never joined a coven. But I did, I did. I dabbled into witchcraft. I hung around people who were doing these things. I’m not making this stuff up. I know what they told me they do.” And, “One of my first dates with a witch was on a satanic altar and I didn’t know it. I mean, there’s a little blood there and stuff like that. We went to a movie and then had a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.” Oh no …

The air of victory was sucked out of the rooms of the Republican elite. The retaking of the Senate was near at hand and here was this nincompoop about to scuttle the ship in Delaware. Karl Rove raged on Fox, George Will wrote and wrote and wrote until his fingers got numb and then regurgitated it all on This Week with George Stephanopoulos. But to no avail.

Cue the Doors classic, “The End.”

Who could have imagined there was more to come?

And there was. This past week Christine O’Donnell, in a very public fashion, came out and endorsed Republican faux frontrunner Mit Romney. O’Donnell said she trusted Mitt to do the right thing and one of the traits she admired about him was his consistency. The interviewer on CNN, Carol Costello, said Mitt was known for his inconsistency on important issues. In that not-of-this-world fashion of hers, O’Donnell replied, “He’s been consistent ever since he changed his mind.”

And of course Mitt gratefully accepted O’Donnell’s support, very publicly, calling Christine O’Donnell a great conservative leader. You just can’t make this stuff up and have it be as funny!

Just think: there’s at least six more months of this to come! Poor Karl Rove, he must be looking for an empty grave so he can turn over in it.

Laughter is the best medicine.

Posted by Tim Forkes in NEWS and POLITICS at 12:01 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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