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Monday, December 22. 2008
Colder Than a Witch’s ...
It’s cold outside. Doesn’t matter where you live, it’s cold.It’s been down to freezing at night here in Sunny Sandy Eggo and the mountains that ring the Eastern edges of the county are full of snow. Skiers and snowboarders like that sort of thing, but it’s my studied opinion that they have deep, self-destructive psychological issues.
Right now, it’s about 50°f and raining here, not the sort of weather a bus and bike guy like myself enjoys when traversing the streets. I was gonna do my Christmas shopping today — there are gifts I need to get in the mail to relatives in other states and this might put a crimp on getting them there by Christmas. Maybe I’ll just order online!
The weather is just crazy though, freezing all over. My brothers in Wisconsin have been looking at sub-zero temps for some time now, as have my relatives in Colorado. My first thought is, “Better you than me.” But, I worry for their health. In the Forkes family, cardiac issues are the rule, not the exception.
In Colorado: Denver: 21°f, Greeley: 14°f. Wisconsin: La Crosse: 0°f! DAMN! And Watertown isn’t much better a 1°f! Even my Dear Sister in Sealy, Texas — the one who makes the best cookies — is experiencing 39°f! Sheesh!
Cousins in Minnesota; Bemidji: -3°f; Elk River: -2°f, Minneapolis: -3°f …
Makes the temperature here (50°f) and in Tampa, home to another Dear Sister (61°f) seem … temperate. Doesn’t matter, it’s cold! And raining! Who wants to go outside in this? Well, besides the psychologically challenged who do things like go snowboarding and skiing. My nephews Dan and Andrew do that sort of thing, and I believe my niece Emyli. That’s how she’s decided to spell her name so I support and celebrate her creative process!
They’re young, they’ll grow out of that sort of thinking. One day they’ll wake up and say, “You know, Uncle Tim is right! This is nuts! I’m moving to Sunny Sandy Eggo!”
Their parents, stuck in their ways, will no doubt stay in the snow belt, shoveling snow, putting on layers and layers and layers of clothes — what am I saying, I’m wearing a t-shirt and a zipped up hoodie with sweat pants and nice warm socks. Well, I don’t have as many layers.
Just about all of my siblings have come to visit, but usually in the summer. That’s always welcome. Bet they all wish they could come visit right about now. 50°f probably sounds like paradise to them!
In Alberta, Canada, where my friend Lisa lives, it’s -13°f. In Celsius, that works out to -25°, the thermometer by which Canadians measure the temperature. They have to be so damn different! See what you get for being different Dear Canadians! It’s 12 degrees colder than it could be if you went by the Fahrenheit thermometer!
You measure your liquids in liters — and in Quebec you spell it “litre” —distance in meters … here in the states with have inches, feet, yards, furlongs, leagues (for going under the sea) and miles. None of this millimeter, meter, kilometer nonsense! Hell No! In fact, we, as a nation, won’t even bother to learn the metric system!
Unless, of course, we’re competing in the Olympics and have to run a 100-meter dash, or swim the 400 meter freestyle. Then, yeah, we’ll put up with that metric nonsense. But nosiree will we convert from Fahrenheit to Celsius! It’s too damn cold as it is! Jeez, 50°f converts to … let me pull up that converter page on the Internets … OH MY GAWD that’s like 10° in Celsius! I’m dying of pneumonia just imagining it!
I’m sticking with Fahrenheit.
Some unpronounceable place in Russia hit an astounding -67° last week. People live there! It has hot springs, so … no! No! it’s too effin’ cold!
Hmmm … in Celsius, that’s like only -55°. Well, Celsius has its place … I guess.
Yeah, it’s cold all over. Canada is expected to have a White Christmas from coast-to-coast for the first time in over four decades. Well, listen to Bing Crosby. Me, I’ll pull up the site for the Edmunton Sun and admire their SUNShine Girls and listen to my collection of Beach Boys!Canada has many beautiful women of course, some really celebrated ones. The current Playmate of the Year, Jayde Nicole, is from Canada, as is Miss February 1990 Pamela Anderson. Bet they’re glad they aren’t in Canada right now. Well, maybe Jayde Nicole is. She still considers herself Canadian, poor girl. She needs to find a good man in Southern California … HEY! THAT’S ME!
Anyway, I’ve deviated from my topic. Well, I’m deviant. And cold! I wanna go outside, do some Christmas shopping and then get it in the mail! °sigh° I’ll call a friend and ask for a ride.
That’s one thing I like about life; my friends are loyal, courteous and helpful when I need it. To them I extend my love and loyalty, as I do my family. Without family — even if they are so far away, some much colder than I — Christmas would be a terribly sad affair indeed.
This Article my friend Lisa posted really says it all about Christmas; I think you’ll agree.
Still, next Christmas, let’s all agree to meet in Kona, Hawaii.
One more thing, my friend Lisa, who is a witch, assures me her tits are plenty warm. I’ll have to take her word on that. Err ... no further comment needed.
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