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Saturday, December 27. 2008

For all those laboring under the rumor that it never gets cold in Southern California, let me disabuse you of that notion: at 3:22 a.m. Saturday, December 27, 2008, it is now 45°f in my little corner of the world. At the moment, that’s as cold as La Crosse, Wisconsin where my brother Ken lives!
 Ken and his wife Cindy are expecting their first child. Should be born in August I believe.

There are family members and friends in the Snow Belt who will say, “45°f isn’t cold! That’s a heat wave! I go sunbathing nude when it gets that warm!”

First of all, none of them, save for my Canadian friend Lisa, who is as … err … licentious … as I am — more so, some would say — would actually sunbathe nude in any weather. Okay, my friend Christina — Miss March — who lives in Northern California in the Cascades, sunbathes nude, but not at this time of year.

Other than those two, I have no family members or friends in the Snow Belt who get nekkid outside the confines of their bedrooms, dressing rooms or other such private confinements … well, my friend Kimberlee does. She’s in State College, Pennsylvania attending PSU …
 Okay, for you Kim, since your Nittany Lions whipped my Badgers: GO NITTANY LIONS!
… °sigh° … the things I do to impress a girl …
 PSU will be representing the Big Ten in the Granddaddy of all bowl games, the Rose Bowl, so I’ll actually be cheering on the Lions. After all, they are playing the hated USC Trojans. Boo!

So, this notion that those in the Snow Belt find 45°f — 7°c for those of you in Canada — to be warm is BS! You should have heard them in September through November when it was getting down to these temperatures. “It’s too cold! I’m so cold … boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.”

Effin’ crybabies. You could up and move to Southern California and over-pay for everything, especially housing — just like I did. So quit your bellyaching! You like living where you do!

If you moved here, we could sit around our patios, with those cool palm tree-looking space heaters warming us up as we sip our margaritas and Diet Cokes, lamenting global warming and the lack of a sane, sensible progressive income tax system — okay, some of you yahoos would argue against a progressive income tax in which case I’d put a laxative in your margarita — but there we’d be in our designer hoodies talking about how cold it is this winter.

Sure, the mountains in winter can be beautiful in the crisp, clean winter air, but the moment you step outside, you’re thinking, “I should go visit Tim in San Diego for a few weeks!”

But for a variety of reasons, all those dear loved ones stay where they are at, in the bone-splintering cold beneath yards and yards of snow, meters for those of you in Canada.

My brother in Milwaukee, Rick, can’t think of any esthetic reason to stay there. It can be beautiful in the summer, but the winters are a horror. But he stays.

Milwaukee is a curious place. For almost my entire life in Milwaukee we had a Socialist mayor (Henry Maier) in a state that for the most part voted Democratic and was the birthplace of the Socialist Party of America.

It started in 1901 in Janesville. There is a modern misconception — once held by me even — that Fightin’ Bob La Follette was a part of that political movement. He wasn’t. Fightin’ Bob started his political career as a Republican, based on the ideals of the Lincoln Republican Party.

When he saw how the Republicans had become a tool for Big Business, squashing the average American in the process, he formed the progressive wing of the Republican Party, and later the Progressive Party.

So, Milwaukee, and Wisconsin, has a strong and storied progressive past, one that leads the nation. It’s been mostly a union state, as far as labor goes, but since the time of Reagan has voted for Republicans — a lot.

Anyway, I digress. Milwaukee has this rich, socialist history and enormous sense of right and wrong politically … and yet personally, they are some of the most conservative people I’ve ever met. All of them church-going types who still grumble about stores and taverns doing business on Sundays — even though many of them frequent those stores and taverns on Sundays.

They are a lovable, generous bunch, those Milwaukeeans, but morally, they are as conservative Christian as they come. The may have voted for Barack Obama in the general election, but they went to church every Sunday and prayed about it first.

So, the only people who ever leave that state to live elsewhere are different. A deep down in the soul Milwaukeean would never consider leaving Wisconsin, the benefits, for them are obvious! Truly, it’s a relatively clean government, unlike California and other states. Hard work is still a virtue!

You’re not likely to find many Mercedes, Beemers or Porches driving the streets either. Those who can afford such luxury automobiles don’t, instead opting for more “sensible” cars, ones that don’t stand out in a crowd. Hell, they still buy American!

It would please me to no end to have my brother Rick move out here to Sandy Eggo, but he’s a deep down in the soul Milwaukeean. He ain’t moving away from there! Besides, his life is taking place in Milwaukee.

Once, years ago, he tried living in Nashville, working as a musician, but he moved back to Milwaukee. Bet he’s frickin’ cold right now, thinking about a vacation in Jamaica or even out here, which isn’t nearly as warm as Jamaica. But he wouldn’t move here or to Jamaica.

Granted, after a couple weeks of sub-zero temperatures, 45° is a welcome relief, unless it’s raining, in which case it’s bone-chilling cold, but they know 45°f is cold, really cold! They just don’t like to admit it when I’m lamenting the chill in the air.

But, I love my family, despite their peculiarities, so Rick and the rest are welcome any time if they want to come visit. My door is always unlocked, but not open — it’s too damn cold.

Posted by Tim Forkes in Life at 12:01 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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