The Reality of Celebrity

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Saturday, August 22. 2009

Do you watch “reality” TV? Me neither, although I once got hooked on Survivor when Bravo was showing all the seasons back-to-back every night. Reality TV started back in the 1970’s with the Loud Family on PBS. An American Family it was called and we got to see Pat Loud tell her husband Bill she wanted a divorce and he needed to move out.

That was a bummer … for Bill Loud. It was a nice, Southern California home, complete with a pool in the backyard.

Then, in 1992, MTV began airing their “reality” program, The Real World. Eight young people, complete strangers from different regions of the U.S., occupy a house in a city and live together for a few months with cameras capturing their every move, microphones to hear their every word — except when they go potty.
 There was a season shot in San Diego, notorious for a rape allegation against one of the cast members. They had a house in Point Loma on San Diego Bay.

Now there’s a half dozen reality shows on every night including Jon and Kate Plus Eight! The Gosselins first had twins and then sextuplets. Based on that they got a reality show. Fame came to the family and voila! They’re getting a divorce. Apparently Jon and Kate have been cheating on each other. No one really knows for sure if Kate has been stepping out, she denies having an affair with her bodyguard, but Jon has been celebrating his newfound independence.

A couple weeks ago I actually watched part of an episode, when Kate took the kids to a beach house. They snuck out in the wee hours of the morning to avoid the paparazzi. Kate was looking fine in her bikini, but ultimately, it was boring.

Then there are the bachelors and bachelorettes looking to find mates, aging rock stars looking to … get laid really. How many seasons will it take Brett Michaels to find the right woman? Then there are the cooking shows, the fashion shows, Playboy Cyber Girl Megan Hauserman looking for a millionaire — she may have dodged a bullet there. One of her suitors, Ryan Jenkins, is now a fugitive; having been charged with murdering his wife, model Jasmine Fiore.

VH1, the MTV spin-off network that doesn’t show videos either, stopped airing the program that finished taping in March.

One of MTV’s most recent additions to “reality” TV is The Hills, about a group of 20-somethings living in and around Los Angeles, mostly in the Hollywood Hills. I watched a couple episodes online because 2008 Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole and 2008 Cyber Girl of the Year Jo Garcia were featured in one.

Jayde dates one of the “stars” of the show, actor Brody Jenner (son of Bruce). She’s only appeared in one episode, after her man was caught on tape sleeping with fellow cast member Audrina Patridge. Brody and Audrina insist there was no sex, wink, wink, nod, nod. At the end of that episode Brody made a remark about cheating on his girlfriend, Jayde.
 Jo Garcia went after Audrina and if people hadn’t got in her way, Garcia would have pounded Patridge. Lots of drama — great TV!

The big “stars” of the show at the moment are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. They got married famously on their TV show after four seasons of drama, including couples counseling. Then, for the September 2009 issue of Playboy, Heidi appeared in a celebrity faux nudity spread with an accompanying interview, Mr. Pratt being the man with the questions.

Now of course Playboy subscribers are upset because they’re only getting 11 issues this year — July and August were combined with Hef’s girlfriends, twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon being the Playmates — and a second consecutive issue in which the celebrity doesn’t show the goodies.
 In the July/August issue, G4TV personality Olivia Munn appeared, topless, with her hair covering the all-important nipples.
 Heidi Montag isn’t even that daring.
 Playboy did make up for it a little by having a pictorial of AVP beach volleyball players Michelle More and Suzanne Stonebarger fully nude, albeit hiding the lovely areas between their legs.

Of course I commiserate with subscribers. What’s the use of paying for a magazine (and website) famous for featuring nude women if the “celebrity” pictorials are no racier than what you can find anywhere else? What’s more, these are nothing more than D-List celebrities. The only accomplishment of note for both Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, they came to fame in an MTV reality show about their vacuous lives in the Hollywood Hills.

The real story here though isn’t the photos, it’s the interview. It would be hard to find two more self-absorbed, egotistical people than the Pratts.. What we get is an interview extolling the virtues of each other, how wonderful they are and the rest of the world, well, we just don’t measure up. The interview can be boiled down to this:
 Spencer: Honey, why do you think we’re so awesome and the rest of the world sucks?
 Heidi: Because I’m a good Christian and Jesus made it so.
 Spencer: Honey, you’re a good Christian, why was it okay to stab our friends in the back?
 Heidi: Because Jesus wouldn’t have given us the ability to do it if he didn’t want us to do it.
 Spencer: We’re so awesome! Let’s do this again!
 Heidi: Okay! After I get my upgrades!

Okay, I’ve condensed some of the themes in the interview, especially Montag’s claim to be a good Christian. By “upgrades,” she is referring to more plastic surgery, in particular, bigger breasts. The stabbing in the back: Spencer Pratt brags about circulating a rumor that two of The Hills stars, Lauren Conrad and Jason Wahler, made a sex tape and Wahler was shopping it around. Everyone involved denied the existence of the tape, but Spencer Pratt insists it does. An excerpt directly from the interview:

 HEIDI: There are a few moments I’d like to see blasted into space forever. Like when you apologized to Lauren Conrad for the sex-tape rumors so she would come to the wedding, when we know for a fact she did have a sex tape. [Editor’s note: Conrad and other cast members have denied any sex tape exists.]
 SPENCER: I would have said anything so you could have your dream princess wedding. I thought you wanted to have your old best friend there, so that’s why I sacrificed every cost to make sure you were happy. But I was lying about being apologetic, and I hate lying. And then she tried to make me the scapegoat, America’s bad guy, which is an easy sell. I’m cool with that. Yes, I facilitated the rumor, but it was true. Lauren was acting like she was little miss perfect goody two-shoes while [her ex-boyfriend] Jason Wahler was trying to shop the tape. That tape exists!

Poor Spencer, what a martyr. He sacrificed just to make his baby happy.

Such is the state of celebrity in our world. The emptier your life, the more self-centered — and of course you have to look good — then voila! You too can have a reality show somewhere on the cable dial.

There’s no doubt Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are famous and have millions of fans, or at least Heidi has millions of fans. It’s understandable for Playboy to have her in the magazine, even if she doesn’t show the goodies — they need more subscribers, to the magazine and more importantly, their website.

Being good consumers, as vacuous and selfish as those we idolize, we lap it all up because dammit! This is America and we’re free to be who we want to be … especially when the ideal we aspire to appeals to our greedy — and lust-filled — natures.
 Author’s note: Guilty.

Obviously, not everyone in America likes these two people, but enough people do to make them marketable commodities. Can hardly wait until someone (ghost) writes their autobiographies.

Posted by Tim Forkes in Celebrity at 00:01 | Comments (0) | Trackbacks (0)

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