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Sunday, October 4. 2009
Breaking Up
Thank the gods for Hooters! It’s the closest some guys will ever get to having a girlfriend. Take me for instance …My buddy John and I had a need for spicy hot wings so we stopped at the nearest closest spicy hot wings providers … and wouldn’t you know it, that place just happened to be a Hooters.
I have no shame, if that’s what you’re wondering. Rationalization is the next best thing to telling the truth!
There was this “news” article on Yahoo titled, “11 Reasons He Dumped You.” It’s written by a man so you know it’s suspect from the start (we always have ulterior motives), but it captured my attention.
It’s easy to get sidetracked from the important news with the other Internets chatter. My original intention was to read up on the hypocritical reactions of the right to President Obama’s trip to Denmark to try and secure the 2016 Olympics for Chicago, but alas, I had to read about relationships.
First of all, is it the man who usually does the dumping? My instinct tells me otherwise. Guys may want to end relationships, but they rarely do. Instead, they get distant, become self-absorbed in mindless, meaningless dribble — well, more so than usual — and find reasons not to be with their significant other.
This in turn gets the woman thinking and she begins asking, “What’s wrong?” or “What are you thinking?” Ladies, if you’re asking your man these questions (or variants thereof) repeatedly, then it’s probably time to dump the bastard because that’s what he’s thinking and what’s wrong is he doesn’t want to be with you anymore.
Oh sure, he’d give you some plausible answers, but both questions are so open-ended we could tell the most whopping lies and, if you love us enough, you’d believe it. Not that I ever engaged in such subterfuge. Not on such a grand scale anyway.
You’d believe the B.S. at least for a little while, until you got tired of asking the questions while your relationship continues to slide down hill. Most women know this, I think, but when in love, we follow our hearts, no matter how stupid we look doing it.
Oh yes, men are just as stupid when in love, if not more so. Case in point: I was in love with a woman 12 years my junior once. My heart just ached every time I thought of her and whenever we were apart I thought of her all the time. I dreamt of her, day-dreamed about being naked with her, imagined romantic cruises together on the Mexican Riviera — naked in the surf of Cabo San Lucas …
And she was fucking other guys almost the entire time we were together.
She was living with some other guy when we met and still with him when we had sex the first few times, but that little indicator slipped beneath my radar. Sex will do that to a guy’s brain. It’s not just a cliché that men are led around most by their little heads.
Eh, it wasn’t even great sex.
But, not even great sex can keep a couple together. We see that cliché on every soap opera and TV drama if we care to watch. I remember when Elizabeth Hasselbeck was a contestant on Survivor. She was one of the hottest women to ever compete! I watched just to see the network blur the shots when her lovely body was over-exposed, as in she had a clothing malfunction.Then she got on The View and WHOA! she is an archconservative! My gawd! Just when you think you’d give your left nut to have just one night with a woman, she turns out to be … err … not so desirable. So, I would get to thinking, “Yeah, I’d still like to do her, but jeez, once the sex is over she’d start talking.” And that just kills the whole fantasy (not to mention she’s married to a has-been football player).
Let me reiterate: I have no shame.
There was one girlfriend some years ago who provided me with the best sex of my life. DAMMIT! But we were so incompatible in so many other ways, the relationship was doomed to failure. Needless to say, when we weren’t having sex I was thinking about other things, whether we were sitting together watching TV or laying in bed right after sex about to fall asleep.
When we finally split up, I asked her to marry me in a futile attempt to save … something. It wasn’t love. Thankfully, she declined.
So anyway … ladies, if a guy dumps you, well damn! You were with a guy who has some real cojones! Count yourself as lucky to have had him for the time that you did. Most likely the next few guys will be the types who let their passive-aggressive personalities force you into dumping him, long after he wanted to exit the relationship.
Of course, for those couples that are truly happy together, this is all bullshit. But I wonder: do married/attached guys get the urge when they see attractive women? There are many men I know who are married/attached that love nothing more than going to strip clubs and Hooters. A hundred bucks for a private dance (not that I’ve ever done that) and off they go to their wives. Maybe they’ll have sex and maybe they’ll just finish it in the shower, but the thrill of having something a little different — even if it’s an unconsummated thrill — seems to relieve the pressure and boredom of being with the same woman for ten (or more) years.Hell, I don’t know! I’ve never been married! Never been in a relationship for more than two years! The cynic in me says romantic love is an illusion, so I’m just guessing.
Yeah, we go to Hooters for the wings … and the breasts and thighs.
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