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Monday, May 14. 2012
Reality 3.2
This is a strange topic for the day after Mothers Day. The other day I walked out into the living room to see The Real Housewives of Orange County blaring on the TV. Don’t ask me which episode, I don’t know, I don’t care! One of the housewife babes was having some other younger woman drive her to L.A., in a Range Rover, to audition for a television show.
The one being driven was kvetching about leaving the kids, even though they were old enough to fend for themselves, and not being a stay-at-home mom. We just had this discussion on the campaign trail. My thought was, “you’re already on a hit TV show!” And lady, if you’re not acting on that TV show, then to many Americans you live one fucked up life.
Well, let’s back up. Most people, or at least many of the people, who watch that show and all of its spin-offs, see that lifestyle as enviable. All that money, the segregated and gated neighborhoods, storybook mansion homes, and the multiple 100k automobiles — it’s like being a rap star without all the fat bottom girls hanging out at the pool.
Personally speaking: if and when I’m that ostentatious the nice bottom girls will be hanging around the pool all day. Like Miss April 2012 Raquel Pomplun, of Chula Vista, CA.
Seriously, I couldn’t watch anymore, after about 10 … 20 … 30 minutes … or whatever. So off I went to look at nearly naked women on Facebook.
But I got to thinking: there are real housewives of Orange County (California), Atlanta, New Jersey, New York, Beverly Hills, Washington, D.C., all on the Bravo Network. I may have missed one, there are so many. On MTV you can see a show about NBA housewives. What do they talk about? Which of their husbands is going to break Wilt Chamberlain’s record? And I ain’t talking about his single game scoring record.
Remember when Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain published his autobiography and claimed to have banged over 20,000 different women? Every heterosexual man in America, whether he wants to admit it or not, reads that and thinks, “Wow!” and nods his head in approval.
Okay, a few years ago I admitted to being an aficionado of the Orange County housewives. Back when Playmate Jeana Tomasino, Miss November 1980, was on the show. To be honest, I can’t tell which ones are holdovers from the first couple of seasons. There are five housewives in this seventh season, all but one are blonde.The Brunette, Heather Dubrow, is the new housewife and the one being driven to L.A. for the audition.
Here’s what I find baffling. In the original version of Real Housewives of Orange County we got the impression anyway that these women were “friends” before the show, that they had known each other for years. But come to find out, they have to audition to get into a reality show?
On The Real Housewives of New Jersey the women appear to be long-time associates. It would be a stretch to label them all as friends. The best part of that one is, they all talk with their hands. Fingers and palms getting thrust in each other’s faces; it’s White Trash on the Jersey Riviera.
How does that work? Looking at the website and the pictures of the new cast of the O.C. brand, I had to wonder: how does someone audition to be on a reality show? Specifically, one of these housewives shows. “Hi! I’m Amber and all my friends tell me I’m one bitchy drama queen!”
“Do you have breast implants?”
“Yes!”
“You’re hired!”
So they plop the new housewife into the existing cast and say, “Bitches! Here’s Heather! She used to be an actress, now she’s married to a plastic surgeon, she’s a bitchy drama queen so make her feel welcome and start scheming!”
The next question is: do the women choose to leave these shows or are they fired? Maybe they weren’t overly melodramatic enough. Or maybe they got tired of camera crews following them around everywhere. The obvious solution would be to contact the producers and ask, but that would take too much time and it’s better to kvetch about it on the Internets. Adds more drama. Not to mention, could we trust the producers to answer honestly? These might be trade secrets.
Which brings up the most obvious question: do that many people watch these housewives shows? They keep churning out new versions. But, it wouldn’t be on television, even basic cable, if there wasn’t an audience for it. In fact, after checking TV By The Numbers, The Real Housewives of Orange County gets 2.5 million viewers. Granted, that’s less than 1% of the population, but think about it: if you’re selling sexy vodka or his and hers sex lube and you get 10% of the viewers to buy your product, that’s really a nice payday. Twenty bucks for a fifth of Grey Goose times 250k … That’s five mil, with a product that needs replenishing. For people like me that would be every day.
If the Housewives shows on Bravo aren’t bad enough, Lifetime Channel just announced they will be airing a “reality” show starring the family of Whitney Houston. How much sicker can reality show producers get?
Then there’s the family. Houston’s daughter will be in it, but it’s publicized as starring Houston’s sister and her husband. That should tell you everything you need to know about the character of the people putting this travesty together.
The one person you’d think would have Houston’s back, her mother Cissy, is all for the show. She says it will help the healing process by “… keeping the family as one.” Oh dear! I’m guessing by the end of the first season the family will be in court suing each other for breaching this, that and the other thing.
Kudos to the Jackson Family for maintaining some dignity after Michaels untimely passing.
The big question is: will there be an audience for it? Probably. If there’s enough of an audience for a half dozen Real Housewives shows, then it’s very likely there is an audience for opportunists exploiting the life and death of a family member.
This should be a cautionary tale for young people on the verge of getting signed to a recording contract or rising fast in the film/TV business: don’t hire family members or friends as managers or agents. They can be even more predatory with your business than your average manager or agent.
And this all brings up one final question, the idea that spurred this rant: would anyone watch a program called, The Real Housewives of Who Gives a Fuck?
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