The Forkes Report - HOLIDAYS

Merry Christmas!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 06:22:00 -0700

And to all my friends, you know who you are: Ray, Akemi, Terri, Julie, Danny, Roxanne, Roxanne, Bill, Bill (what’s your wife’s name Bill? I’m embarrassed I can’t remember), Mike, Mike, Mike, Mikey, Kelly, Lisa, Brian, Liz and the Long Suffering Rudy, Susan, Suzi, Ilona, Dave and his Entourage, the wisenheimer Dave and his accountant Mike, Curtis, Phil, John (not pictured), Peter, Pete, Paul, Sara, Sarah, Greg, Alan (sorry Alan, no scantily-clad babes today),Keith and the wisenheimer Vicki, George & Jan, Jonesy (We already got too many Mikes, Mike), Tom, Jeff, Jeffrey and Linda, Jerry, Tony (not related), Rauni, Mary Ellen, the other Tim, Heather, Raquel, Shantal and Claudia,
Merry Christmas.

Did You Cyber?

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 12:01:00 -0700

It came and went, Cyber Monday. We had Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday — time out for football on Sunday — then Cyber Monday. It’s all got something to do with Christmas shopping. Unless you have some kind of digital fetish and think “Cyber” means something entirely different.

Back about 10-14 years ago there was this activity people did using instant messaging programs like AOL Instant Message (AIM) ICQ and Yahoo Messenger. You would hook up with some like-minded individual of the gender you liked having sex with and then trade sexual commentary back and forth in real time.

You’d meet these individuals on the social networking sites of the day and eventually one of the participants would ask, “Do you cyber?”
 “What’s that?”
 Then the other explained it in great detail and being the curious type I … I mean other people … started accounts on Yahoo Messenger and checked it out. And that lasted until “they” started asking for money.

So, Cyber Monday could, in the minds of some, mean getting online with your favorite virtual partner and having consensual self-gratification together, complete with pictures that may or may not be the actual person with whom you are digitally cobobulating.
 Yeah, I just made up that word!

In this day and age, who does that any more? Now people can use Skype, the internet digital video telephone program that lets you see the person you are Skyping with and one would assume participants could be in various stages of undress while doing it.

People are fond of taking photos of themselves in front of mirrors, using their iPhones and Blackberries, then texting them to their friends. The downside of doing that is, well, eventually all the rest of us finally get to see them on the Internets.

There are more than a few stars who have found their intimate portraits, taken specifically for the ones they love, distributed far and wide for the entire Internet population to enjoy. Scarlett Johansson and Vanessa Hudgins come to mind. Hell, I didn’t even know who Vanessa Hudgens was until the controversy over her self-taken nude photos hit the Internets. Disney starlets — ya gotta love’em!

Then there was that Disney girl, Anne Hathaway! Damn girl! She didn’t go the informal nude iPhone pics route, she made a movie in which she got totally nude for her many fans! Havoc, if you haven’t seen it. Rent it on Blu-Ray today!
 Just read this online: the former Disney princess is engaged again. And I thought I had a shot.

Remember back in the good old days when Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee had their home sex tapes pilfered and distributed? For over a decade now Anderson has owned the rights to it and makes money off the tapes and since then many celebrities have had sex tapes mysteriously appear on the market. Having seen clips of a few, I wouldn’t pay to own any of the DVD’s.

We’re getting a little far afield here so back to Cyber Monday, the answer to pushing and shoving through the malls of America. It’s the official start of the online shopping most people do these fays. Why stand in line at Macy’s register when you can order the item directly from the warehouse and have it shipped, wrapped with a nice gift card, to the recipient of your token of love.

A few years ago I worked for a catalogue company that did nearly all of its business online. The rest of it was by phone. Their digital process was so efficient their need for customer service was cut by nearly 80%.

What also helped was getting the orders correct so that the purchases made it to their destinations on time and in perfect condition. Because of those factors the company had little need for a large number of people answering their phones.

They laid off nearly 80% of their work force.

Getting the shopping done online is easy and efficient. Since Amazon opened its virtual doors every retailer in America has followed suit and opened their business up online as well. We can order groceries online and have them delivered!

The one thing Internet shopping does though is it separates us from each other. We don’t interact with these strangers in stores, being patient and tolerant as we wait for those in front of us to check out. We don’t get to ask questions of a helpful sales associate nor can we ogle each other as we strut in our holiday finery. One of the reasons I like going to the University Towne Center and Fashion Valley malls during the Christmas season is to watch the people. You can’t get that online

A few days ago I wrote about us becoming a nation of consumers instead of producers. The more convenient it is to shop, the more we consume and the people who purchase the most online are those who work in offices in front of computers all day. The people who sit in offices all day aren’t producing products, they’re usually providing a service or pushing paper from one digital pile to another. And their wages usually suck. I know because I’ve had plenty of those new tech, low wage positions.

To be honest, I like purchasing stuff online. It’s nice to be able to purchase a Zappa album and have it download directly to my iTunes. On the other hand, I miss browsing through my local used record or CD store looking for beloved chestnuts from days gone by, like Joe’s Garage by FZ. The Central Scrutinizer!

Real live shopping will never go away completely, most of us are still social animals and like the interaction with our fellow humans. We crave that human touch. Reaching out and touching someone digitally is fine, but touching them, seeing them in person feels so much better. Always. Ask any spouse who Skypes with a loved one serving in Afghanistan.

According to the news, retailers did real well since Black Friday, which now starts late Thanksgiving night, and Cyber Monday was much better this year than last. Good news for President Obama — and the rest of us — if the economy is coming back. But I will always prefer the warmth of a live body to that of a cold image on a computer monitor.

On the other hand, some things can only be had through online providers. Just got an e-mail from Dead.net about the latest releases from the vaults. You can never have too many recordings by the Grateful Dead! None of them are available in stores. Just try finding any Dick’s Picks in your local retailer, or Grateful Dead t-shirts and hoodies. You have to shop the Dead’s online site.

One more little item to note about shopping online: some impatient, greedy asshole isn’t going to pepper spray you just to get first dibs on the Xbox or shoot you in an effort to steal your purchases. Someone could of course steal your personal info and that would suck, but most sites are extremely secure these days.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to view all the tie-dyes and download a few musical freebies. Enjoy the holiday season, whether you shop or not. The reason for the season is to strengthen those connections with our friends and loved ones. Whether we do it with a gift, a card or just a smile, let’em know you still love’em.

The Black Friday Solution

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 12:01:00 -0700

Black Friday … good grief!

My Black Friday story: the only place of business I went to was CLOSED on Black Friday! Are you shitting me? Who closes their doors on the biggest, most storied day of sales? Go figure. To be fair, it’s not a traditional retail business, not like a Macy’s or Target, but still.

So, the big story from Black Friday was on Yahoo News by 9 a.m. This just blows my mind. Some woman here in California, a well-to-do neighborhood in the San Fernando Valley no less, was arrested for pepper-spraying other shoppers! You gotta be shittin’ me! Really! The other shoppers weren’t attacking the woman, weren’t being any more rude than your average Black Friday shopper. No, the woman just wanted to get them out of her way so she could get whatever do-dad she was trying to purchase.

Oops. I take it back. The woman wasn’t arrested. She got away with it. Basically, she sprayed about 20 people milling around waiting to get an XBox at a Wal-Mart — of course. Store management is assisting the police to find out who the woman is, which includes looking at surveillance video and checking sales receipts for the people who bought XBoxes.

Also in California, the Bay Area, would-be thieves outside another Wal-Mart tried to rob a family of their purchases, at about 3 a.m., and when the family refused a scuffle broke out. That’s when one of the robbers pulled out a gun and shot the man. One of the attackers was caught by the other family members and handed over to police — who in turn handed him over to medical personnel so he could get his injuries tended to after being held by the angry and vengeful family.

Looks like California is Kook Central, but if you scan the news and Google Black Friday violence, you’ll see acts of violence, or just blind greed that causes serious injuries, from coast-to-coast. But this is interesting: have you ever wondered why, every year, the most heinous acts of greed and selfishness on Black Friday seem to occur at Wal-Mart?

There was this one video from New Jersey that showed these frenzied and angry shoppers pushing and grabbing, elbowing each other to get items that had been carefully placed in their displays by the store employees, just hours earlier. Maybe minutes earlier. In the video, one guy reached over a woman’s back and yanked a box out of her hands. In the process he banged her head with his elbow. What do you want to bet the guy gloated over his Black Friday behavior?

What is it about Wal-Mart that causes people to go insane with their greed?

Christmas … the greediest, most materialistic holiday on the calendar. The Christians like to put up their billboards reminding us to “remember the reason for the season” or “Keep the Christ in Christmas.” Usually that makes me bristle because the holiday pre-dates Christianity by hundreds, maybe thousands, of years, but contrast that message to the violent greed displayed by people Christmas shopping …

Greed is the real national religion in America. This whole notion of the “free market” is predicated on greed and we’re brought up to worship at the altar of the Almighty Dollar. Just watch the commercials for Black Friday and Christmas shopping in general. We are sent two messages: “I want __” and “I wanna get the most deals before everyone else!”

In the interest of honesty, I’m no different. I want stuff. A new car, preferably a new Cadillac (what can I say, I’m old school), a new Macintosh, make that two: a tower and a Macbook Air. Maybe an iPad II as a gift for … someone special! There’s always been this dream to have the biggest estate in La Jolla, CA, overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

Well meaning people will say, “It’s just stuff!” True, but it begs the question: will you just hand over your stuff to me and forget about it? I’ll never say “it’s just stuff” because honestly, it’s my stuff. What can I say, I’m the guy the retailers are marketing for with their Black Friday commercials. Well not exactly, they’re after the people with a lot of room on their credit cards for thousands of dollars in purchases.

Despite my own greed, the mobs crowding into Wal-Marts and malls across the country offends me. It’s laughable, but the reason for the laughter is because we can’t believe the insanity of it. Just watch the videos, they’re on Youtube. Would you stand in line for hours on Thanksgiving waiting for a store to open? Thankfully, the majority of Americans don’t, but enough do that it becomes a national obsession. And thankfully, my friends are equally appalled by the carnage of Black Friday.

Then the news networks report the early estimations of money spent: is it up from last year? Will retailers have to add extra sales later in the shopping season? Will it help pull America out of this recession? Our entire system, our society, is based on consumption. It’s the American Way and Christmas shopping — Black Friday weekend in particular — is the apex of our social system.

It’s not just Black Friday either. It’s the entire Christmas shopping season. The crowds, the short tempers, the frustrations and disappointments; this is how we define ourselves as a nation. Get more of everything at any cost to dignity and common sense.

What’s the Occupy Wall Street movement all about? The greed of Wall Street and the international banking system, the result being the widening of the income disparity gap.

What keeps the system in place, more than any amount of money and lobbyists to pass it around, is the fantasy that any of us can become a part of the One Percent. We don’t want to change our “Free Market” system! It might interfere with our plans to become a part of the Elite.

Forty years ago we didn’t much worry about it because so many of us had good-paying industrial jobs. We made things and shipped them around the world, confident that “Made in America” meant this was the best of whatever it is you want to purchase.

Then the 1980’s hit and we slowly started turning into a nation of consumers. American companies began moving their production facilities, first to Mexico and then to Asia, any place where they could take advantage of slave labor — some call it low wages — that was enforced by the governments of the host nations. Unions are actively and violently opposed in these countries. It would raise the standard of living in those nations, but the leaders are paid to keep it cheap.

As a result, we’re no longer a producing nation, we’re a nation of consumers. Yeah, most of us work, but the workers continue to lose ground financially. But do we really want to change the system? Not really, not now. Any hint of Socialism is bad and there’s still that possibility I’ll become a member of the One Percent.

And so our social system rests upon Christmas shopping and Black Friday Weekend. Seriously, if businesses don’t do well, people could really lose their jobs, adding to the 50 million people already out of work. Retailers do 25% of their yearly business in this month of shopping so they promote the Hell out of it and it becomes the defining event of the consumer nation.

And Wal-Mart is the biggest example of that national zeitgeist. Constantly in court for lawsuits concerning workers rights, they are best known for driving small business out of business and providing their employees with as few benefits and salary as they can get away with. And they’re known for their low prices.

So, when Black Friday rolls around, Wal-Mart cuts their already low prices on those items so many people appear ready to die for and mayhem ensues. And none of it would be possible without our complicity because for us, as a society and as individuals, it’s all about the Benjamins.

Happy Thanksgiving!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 12:01:00 -0700

What to be thankful for on Thanksgiving: Family and friends. Short and simple. But I want to remember in particular our two siblings who are no longer with us:
 Our older brother Carl. Navy veteran and veteran wisenheimer and practical joker. He introduced me to Las Vegas — insider style — many moons ago. We had some great times!
 And our beautiful sister Elaine. Funnier than all the rest of us put together, she had the greatest attitude, especially when she was in constant pain and knew her time was near. I sure miss her everyday.

I’m blessed that many of my family members are Frank Zappa fans! We can text each other with Zappa lyrics and spend all day “singing” Zappa via text message! How cool is that! And we don’t quote the easy songs. Hell no! We go for the obscure, “you need to be a Zappaphile to know this one” songs!

Love the family! Cheryl (Cecil), Mary Lou (MLou), (Little) Ricky, Tony (Wan Kenobi) and Kenny (Kenny Bo Benny) and all their families. Let’s see if I get them all: Lloyd, Judy and Gordon; Christopher, Nancy, Anthony, Sarah, Daniel, Breanna, Kelsey, Andrew Emyli, and Sydney Bean — and by way of Elaine and Gordon: Channing, Sabrina and Brandon. Maybe next year we can all conspire to be in one place for Thanksgiving!
 A special shout out: Get well soon, Lloyd! I got something for you!

My sister Elaine and I often quoted Grateful Dead songs back and forth via the text message! Often whatever songs had popped in our heads, rambling in that Grateful Dead sort of vibe, all day long. What I got going in my head lately is “Scarlett Begonias” from Dick’s Picks #6. Awesome recording.

And then there are all my friends! In a bit I’ll be off to spend Thanksgiving with a large gathering of them — Thanksgiving dinner to die for! I’d mention a few, but then I’d miss a bunch and feel guilty for days. Ah, Hell: Dan, John, Eric, Claudia, Jim, Terri, Julie, Suzanne, Bill — and Bill — John, John and John (hope I got’em all), Dave and Dave, Mike ... and Mike and Mike and ... I can’t forget Mike, Lisa-Lisa and Brian, Diana, Heather, Phil, Tony, Tom, Tom, Pam Jeffrey (can’t believe I forgot his wife’s name!), Steve, Mark, one more Brian, Grant and Jess, Duffy, Gayle and Larry and so many more.

Couldn’t imagine life getting any better ... oh wait: The Green Bay Packers are beating the Detroit Lions like an old, dusty rug! Oh no! It just got better! The Pack is officially 11-0!

Sweet!

To Our Veterans

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 12:01:00 -0700

Today is Veterans Day, November 11, 2011 — 11-11-11. They say a lucky day. I don’t know about that, but I’m going to Applebee’s for a free dinner. Thank you Applebee’s! For all the vets in the world, Semper Fi, even if you weren’t in the Marine Corps. Hell, even if you were a sailor.

Yesterday was the 236th birthday of the United States Marine Corps! Semper Fidelis!

Most people don’t know, let alone care, but for everyone who has worn the uniform, this is the most important holiday of the year. There are Marine Corps Balls taking place all over the world tonight — there’s probably one in your town.

The United States Marine Corps was created by an act of the Continental Congress, November 10, 1775, so the Marine Corps predates the United States by … (I’m counting, using all my toes) … about eight months, but who’s counting?

Marines have fought storied battles throughout history and continue fighting those battles, now in Afghanistan. Three battles that really standout as testaments to the Corps occurred in the 20th Century.

On June 1, 1918, the Marines entered the Battle of Belleau Wood, France, against vastly superior German forces that used mustard gas on several occasions. In the next 25 days over 1,200 Marines were killed and thousands more injured. But, they won the battle and signaled, “Woods now U.S. Marine Corps entirely.”

It was during this battle the Germans gave the Marines a nickname that has stuck ever since: “Teufelshunden” — “Devil Dogs,” because of their ferocious tenacity. Often the battle for the Wood was fought with bayonets and fists and to this day, every Marine must qualify with the rifle and take courses in unarmed fighting just to insure we can win at all costs.

During this battle the French had retreated and when a French commander told a Marine Company Commander to retreat as well, he replied, “Retreat? Hell, we just got here!”

It was after Belleau Wood when General Pershing said, “The deadliest weapon in the world is a Marine and his rifle.” The French even renamed the Wood, “Bois de la Brigade de Marine,” or “Wood of the Marine Brigade.”

In February 1945, after skipping around the Pacific Ocean fighting the Imperial Army of Japan for three years, the Marines found themselves on Japanese soil: the island of Iwo Jima. The battle lasted five weeks. Over 6,000 Marines died and nearly 20,000 were wounded.

The iconic moment from the battle occurred on the fifth day when five Marines and one Navy Corpsman raised an American flag atop Mount Suribachi, the highest point on the island. When a commander on a Naval ship said the first flag on Suribachi was too small, a second flag was ordered so the Marines and Sailor fought their way to the top and raised it. Photographer Joe Rosenthal happened to be in the right place at the right time and took the photo that now symbolizes the battle and the Marine Corps. It was later reproduced as the Marine Corps Monument in Washington, D.C. It stands as the bloodiest, most costly battle the United States Marine Corps has ever fought.

On the monument in Washington is the somber quote: “Uncommon valor was a common virtue.” It was first said by Admiral Chester Nimitz after the island was secured. “By their victory, the 3rd, 4th and 5th Marine Divisions and other units of the Fifth Amphibious Corps have made an accounting to their country which only history will be able to value fully. Among the Americans who served on Iwo Island, uncommon valor was a common virtue.”

Towards the end of World War II First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt made this comment: “The Marines I have seen around the world have the cleanest bodies, the filthiest minds, the highest morale, and the lowest morals of any group of animals I have ever seen. Thank God for the United States Marine Corps!”

The Korean War gave the Corps the greatest Marine ever, one Lewis Burwell “Chesty” Puller. The most decorated Marine in history, he had four Navy Crosses awarded as well as a Bronze Star, for distinguished service in Haiti, Nicaragua, China and World War II.

In November 1950 U.N. Forces had fought their way into North Korea and were about to capture the entire country. But just like Army Intelligence said they wouldn’t, the Chinese entered the war. They eventually forced U.N. forces out of North Korea and tried to annihilate the forces at the Chosin Reservoir in the process, before the troops could evacuate.

It was during this battle for the “Frozen Chosin” when Puller cemented his legend in Marine Corps history when he uttered the words, “We’ve been looking for the enemy for some time now. We’ve found him. We’re surrounded. That simplifies things.”

Chesty led his men, with their dead and wounded and working equipment, out of the trap set by the Chinese, to the port of Hugnam where all the U.N. forces were evacuated. It was for his actions during the Battle of Chosin that Chesty was awarded his fifth Navy Cross.

Back in the day every recruit had to learn all this history and then some, before getting out of First Phase. Woe be to the private that didn’t know who Chesty Puller was.

After Korea there was the Vietnam War. Marines served all over that country, most notably in Khe Sanh, Hue and Da Nang. Marines were the first combat troops deployed to Vietnam in 1965, and the last Americans out of Vietnam on April 30, 1975 when the colors over the U.S. Embassy in Saigon were lowered for the last time.

In 1982 President Reagan ordered the Marines to Beirut, Lebanon as part of a peacekeeping mission. On October 23, 1983 a suicide bomber with a truck bomb blew up the Marine barracks at the Beirut airport, killing 240 Marines. A few months later all American forces were pulled from Lebanon. Ask any Marine today, of any age, active, retired or otherwise: we still wanna go get us some payback.

Then there was Panama and Grenada. Of the latter, Army General John W. Vessey, Jr. famously asked, “We have two companies of Marines running rampant all over the northern half of this island, and three Army regiments pinned down in the southwestern corner, doing nothing. What the hell is going on?”

Then came the first Gulf War after Saddam Hussein’s Iraq invaded Kuwait. President George H.W. Bush assembled a multinational force to push the Iraqis out of Kuwait. One group of Marines was used as a decoy landing force and another opened up the southern border allowing American forces to pour into Iraq from Saudi Arabia.

General “Stormin’ ” Norman Schwarzkopf, commander of all coalition forces said, “I can’t say enough about the two Marine divisions. If I use words like ‘brilliant,’ it would really be an under description of the absolutely superb job that they did in breaching the so-called ‘impenetrable barrier.’ It was a classic — absolutely classic — military breaching of a very, very tough minefield, barbed wire, fire trenches-type barrier.”

Now our Marines are in Iraq and Afghanistan, pulling out of Iraq for, let’s hope, the last time. The have served with distinction in places we didn’t even know existed, like Falujah. There is some controversy over the weapons used against the Iraqi insurgents, but I say, fuck’em, it’s war and war is a dirty business.

General Mattis said this to Iraqi tribal leaders: “I come in peace, I didn’t bring artillery. But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I’ll kill you all.”

But in September 2001, while serving in Afghanistan, one young Marine, private Mike Armendariz-Clark, put it better than any politician or general ever could when he told the New York Times: “We signed up knowing the risk. Those innocent people in New York didn’t go to work thinking there was any kind of risk.”

Marines have been fighting in our longest war, Afghanistan, from the beginning. Marines have sustained terrible casualties and due to the wonders of modern science many of these brave men and women survive to tell the story. And due to the wonders of modern communications technology, they can tell us moments after it happens. They too will all be coming home for good — and not soon enough.

Like every other branch of the military, the Marines have served their country, whether the cause was supported by all Americans or only a few. Marines follow orders. Yeah, we grumble and tell each other this officer or that is a fuckin’ moron or ask, “Who the fuck is in charge of this clusterfuck?”

But then we go and get the job done. That’s what we do, without question or hesitation. He who hesitates dies. That’s just a fact and before a recruit can wear the title of “Marine” he or she not only learns that lesson, it’s drilled into our very cores to react correctly without taking that second to think.

So, to all Marines and their loved ones, Happy Birthday Marine Corps! It doesn’t matter how long ago we wore the uniform or if we still wear it, the policy is, “Once a Marine, Always a Marine.” The custom was set years ago and then set in stone by the current Commandant of the Marine Corps, James F. Amos: “A Marine is a Marine. I set that policy two weeks ago — there’s no such thing as a former Marine. You’re a Marine, just in a different uniform and you’re in a different phase of your life. But you’ll always be a Marine because you went to Parris Island, San Diego or the hills of Quantico. There’s no such thing as a former Marine.”

Yeah, General Amos is a fuckin’ fighter pilot, but like every Marine, he’s a rifleman first.

So here’s to all the Marines, past and present, living or not: Semper Fi Motherfuckers. Ooo-Rah!

I would like to thank the fine men and women who man the post at OldPost.org for the wonderful list of quotes for, by and about Marines. Out-fuckin-standing!

Happy Halloween!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 00:01:00 -0600

Today is All Hallows Eve — Halloween. That means tomorrow, November 1st, is All Saint’s Day, a Holy Day of Obligation in the Catholic calendar! Woe be to the sinner who doesn’t attend Mass on Tuesday. That’s when we celebrate and honor all those Christians who have died in a state of Grace. Not just the ones who have been canonized, the people who haven’t are included as well.

“Well, what’s the difference,” you may ask? Canonization is a long process that requires the person to be a named Saint to die. As well as lead a Holy life, like Mother Theresa in recent times. Then the bishop of the person’s diocese must do an investigation into the person’s life, and the person must be a Catholic, and then that bishop sends his recommendation to the Pope.

But that isn’t the end of it. The Pope and the Vatican conduct an investigation and if the Congregation for the Causes of Saints (made up of Cardinals) gives the okay, the Pope declares the person “venerable.”

Then, after all that, as if living a holy life and dying in the Grace of God isn’t enough, the saint-to-be has to perform not one, but two verifiable miracles!

“How the f …. err, heck … does a dead person do that?” Easy! Another — living — Good Catholic prays to the saint-to-be and asks the heavenly One to intercede in some earthly matter. If that happens — twice — voila! Saint Timothy! So, it’s really a long and difficult process to become a saint. If you’re harboring ambitions of becoming a saint, I would suggest starting now.

This might blow your mind, but Newt Gingrich has a shot. He converted to Catholicism to marry his third (and current) wife. Let that sink in for a bit: Saint Newt. Let’s say that he gets elected president. That would qualify as one miracle! Ask any political pundit.

Back to All Saints Day. As a child I was scared shitless over missing Mass on Holy Days of Obligation. And not just because of the possible penalties from God. Hell no. Our parents were very devout Catholics and there would be Hell to pay here on Earth if we didn’t attend Mass. And the veracity of one’s story could be checked since Catholic communities tend to be tight. All Mom had to do was get on the phone with her fellow Christian Mothers and ask around.

What we did then was to make sure we picked up a bulletin every time we went to Mass. There’s a funny story about that. Well, not about that directly, but I won’t share it here, mostly because of its licentious nature and to honor the bounds of anonymity.

Of course, on Ash Wednesday we didn’t need a bulletin if we had the ashes on our foreheads. Not too long ago The Daily Show was doing one of their bits and it was about … I forget, but it featured Vice President Joe Biden, himself a devout Catholic. Well, the bit had clips of the vice president going about his business with ashes smeared on his forehead. I took umbrage with it, but it was a funny bit.

But, here’s another criticism of Catholicism. As mentioned earlier, part of becoming a saint requires living souls to pray to saints-to-be. Well, some people consider it unchristian to pray to anyone but God, Jesus Christ, which is one of the reasons really radical members of other Christian sects don’t consider Catholics to be Christians. Even though every Good Catholic believes Jesus Christ is their personal Lord and Savior.

There are other reasons, but that’s the one that plays into this little dialogue.

So, on November 1st we all shuffle down to our parish and attend Mass to honor all the saints, beatified and otherwise. But the night before, All Hallows Eve, Good Lord!

Now, according to the Catholic Catechism, Halloween isn’t about running around in costumes and collecting candy — or Jello shots if you’re dressed as a hot nurse or sexy cop.
 Wouldn’t be cool if women went door-to-door dressed in their Halloween finery, trick-or-treating for Jello shots? Just asking.

What Good Catholics do is prayerfully prepare for the feast that is to follow on All Saint’s Day. This idea of running around in costumes and doing unspeakable things entered our culture through the “demon lore of the ancient Druids.”

Okay, when the earliest Christians were out bringing the Pagans and Heathens into the fold, they would allow certain customs to be incorporated, either officially or informally. And from different regions and countries come different customs. In Latin America, for instance, they celebrate the Day of the Dead. No, it isn’t a Wes Craven production, it’s an actual holiday celebrated on November 1st.

But the custom of costumes for Halloween has at least some origin in the Day of the Dead celebrations. Latin Americans especially like to create skeletons and dress up like skeletons to celebrate. And they make and hand out all sorts of sweet treats. Amidst the merriment they honor those who have gone on before us.

So, here we are on Halloween, a most secular “holiday,” the Monday after a weekend filled with Halloween parties. You know all sorts of wickedness has taken place this weekend. Sort of like a second Mardi Gras; four days of debauchery, complete with outlandish and sinful costumes and over the top displays of gluttony, drunkenness and lust. Everything a person could want in an extended weekend.

One of the funniest things I saw this weekend was Real Time With Bill Maher. At the end of his show he does “New Rules.” Well this week he ended with his diatribe against prescription mood drugs for children, exhorting parents to put LSD in their children’s candy. Now, that sounds crazy, even criminal, but if you watch the segment you’ll get his point — or not.

Apparently people are worried their kids will get drug-laced candy when they go trick-or-treating, which is allegedly worse than getting Ritalin, Ativan and other drugs. I don’t really agree with him, but it was funny — and informative!

Hope everyone survived this weekend intact. If you’re going out tonight, have fun and drive safe. If you’re taking your young’uns trick-or-treating, good luck and have as much fun as they are having because in the grand scheme of things, this day is for the kids. And if you’re a Catholic, don’t forget to attend Mass on Tuesday.

Happy Halloween!

235 Years and Counting

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 12:01:00 -0600

It’s the 4th of July Weekend! A three-day weekend! Unless of course you’re unemployed, which means this could be, potentially, an endless weekend. Then of course we have our first responders who will be working one or all of these three days. Years ago I used to volunteer to work most holidays: double time and a half! Ooo-rah!

But never the 4th of July or Memorial Day. Both are pretty sacred in this house. Some people worship a god of one type or another — or gods — but I pay homage to the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution! To each their own they say.

My lovely sister Elaine, who has been honored for over a week here, respected both the Christian God and our nation, in that order of course. She and I came to an understanding once, concerning spirituality. We agreed that although our understanding of “God” might be different, we probably worshiped the same being — or entity. I couldn’t really say, with any authority, her understanding of God is wrong. She, like most of my other sisters and brothers, so firmly believed, it was working in her life. If she is in Heaven I hope she gets to listen to all the fine, fine music she loves.

So, if I may take off on a tangent, as if tangents are foreign in this blog, here’s an interesting picture of what Heaven could look like for each individual: it is comprised of all the worldly pleasure we participated in or only wished we had. This idea of 72 virgins is in the ballpark for me, although I’d prefer 5-10 pros, women who know how to … you know. Yeah, my vision is fairly pedestrian, but toss in all the music I like, including Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera — seriously — not to mention Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia ice cream, now you’re talking!

Your Heaven would reflect you of course. Now, this isn’t a new idea and I’m not the first person to suggest it, but I’m just saying, that’s a nice vision of Heaven!

But this is the 4th of July, celebrating the birth of our nation 235 years ago. Besides First Responders, there is one other segment of our population that is, for the most part, working this weekend: our military. Especially the men and women in foreign lands. Mostly we think of Iraq and Afghanistan when we think of the troops, but there are troops stationed in many far away places and on holidays like today, there is extra duty so very few are getting a three-day weekend.

Those stationed in non-combat areas, like South Korea, the Middle East, Japan and Europe even, they are targets of extremists and terrorists all the time, but especially on this, our most revered national holiday. I will guarantee you that tonight and every night, there are Marines, Sailors, Soldiers and Airman walking dark and lonely guard posts in places like Aviano Air Force Base in Italy, or the island of Diego Garcia, Sasebo in Japan, Camp Hansen, Okinawa and Panzer Kaserne in Stuttgart, Germany, to name just a few.

Somebody walks those posts 365 days and nights a year, whether it’s a holiday or not. They just do it because somebody has to and the men and women who are walking a post tonight, it was just their turn.

Just about 71 years ago British Prime Minister Sir Winston Churchill spoke these stirring words about the men and women fighting the Battle of Britain: “Never in the field of human conflict has so much been owed by so many to so few.”

In today’s America, the same could be said of our Armed Forces. Maybe 3% of Americans are actually in uniform at this time, a rather small minority and all of them volunteered. There is no such thing as “shared sacrifice” in America, not by a long shot. At least not when it comes to serving our country.

“Oh hey, this is the 4th of July, we should be patriotic and rah-rah for the country”

Yeah, maybe, but the fact is, there is one segment of our population that is over-represented in the military: the poor and less affluent. Those who can afford to bypass the military and go to college do so. But that’s all right. Most of the people who do join the military do it out of a sense of pride. We happen to love our nation and want to serve.

So, while they are in some far away land, with people trying to kill them, feeling a bit lonely and homesick, more than a few will reflect on their present situation and take a small measure of pride from the fact that while the rest of us enjoyed those burgers and ribs on the barbecue, they will have been that first line of defense protecting our right to sit out in the back yard, or out at the park or beach, having a good time celebrating the founding of The United States.

Next time you see an active duty military person, ask him or her if they had “The Duty” on the 4th of July. So much is owed by so many to so few.

Despite everything, the United States has more freedom than most anywhere else on the planet. We can spend the day at the beach, without having to produce documents, we can travel across the country, without papers and we can go to any number of grocery stores and buy all the goodies that go into making a good 4th of July cookout! My brother-in-law Lloyd is a champion barbecue master and boy, I’d love to be in Sealy, Texas today. Damn he’s got something cooking and I don’t even wanna imagine anymore ’cause it will no doubt be way better than anything I cook up!
 Lloyd — Bleu — is also a Navy vet: SeaBees.

We have the freedom to engage in just about any manner of lifestyle we like, from the ultra extremist religious, to the most licentious. Of course, sex between consenting adults isn’t completely legal. It is in Nevada, but that’s the only place. Still, a person can find all sorts of … fun … in the U.S. of A!

Years ago, back when I was but a young Lance Corporal in the United States Marine Corps, I got my first subscription to Playboy magazine. I thought I had arrived into adulthood when that first issue came in the mail: April 1975! 1974 Playmate of the Year Cyndi Wood on the cover, Dustin Hoffman was the interview subject, Washington Post Editor-in-Chief Ben Bradlee wrote an article with off the record conversations he had with our 35th president, John F. Kennedy. Actress Valerie Perrine was the celebrity nude pictorial and she most definitely was nude!
 Now a days we rarely get any true celebrities, mostly D-list or reality TV “stars” and even then what passes for a nude pictorial … eh. The worst was Heidi Montag. Don’t know her? Lucky you. Teri Polo, from the “Fockers” franchise of films, posed a few years back. Complete full frontal.

Also in that issue: Miss April 1975 Victoria Cunningham! DAMMIT! My love affair with Playboy Playmates was on! Actually, it had been turned on years earlier when I caught a look at the December 1968 issue featuring Playmate Cynthia Myers! Victoria Cunningham just happened to be my first as a subscriber! A couple years before that I bought a few issues one summer while living in Florida. The cover of the August 1973 issue is etched in my memory forever! Cyndi Wood once again, completely nude, but strategically posed. That has to be the most sexually charged cover in the magazine’s history!

Originally Miss February 1973, Cyndi later became the 1974 Playmate of the Year. But, in the centerfold for that August 1973 issue was Phyllis Coleman. It’ll be a long time before we see a Playmate named Phyllis.

The Playmate that really caught my eye in 1975 was Miss October Jill De Vries. Man! Talk about a HOT centerfold!

“Where is this going Tim,” you might be asking with some concern and frustration. Well, I’ll tell you! It’s going to March 1978. Well, it starts on December 26, 1977. Okay, the back-story: I was slightly inebriated and had a mishap that landed me in Kuwae Naval Hospital, Okinawa, Japan. I flipped a motorcycle and sadly I was on it at the time.

Anyway, if you’ve never been a patient in a ward of a military hospital, let me tell you, it’s sad, lonely and boring. If that hospital is overseas, like Kuwae on Okinawa, you get damn few visitors, none of whom are family. At least not back in that time. Our government wouldn’t spend a nickel to get family to injured service members overseas, or anywhere else.

We did have a visit from the reigning Miss America, Dorothy Benham, and her runners-up. But, what got everyone’s attention was the arrival of my March 1978 issue of Playboy. Miss January 1978 Debra Jensen was on the cover getting out of a hot car, but the centerfold — MY GOD! — the sexiest C-fold photo in the history of the magazine! Photographer Arny Freytag’s first! Marilyn Grabowski was the veteran photo editor/producer.

And the Playmate was Christina Smith! Miss March! She will always be Miss March to me! We keep in touch these days and were she single today I’d kick all the rest (like there are others!) of you women to the curb!

Anyway, every patient on that ward — all men — had to see Christina’s centerfold. That magazine made the rounds — everyday. We just had to view it! And no, we weren’t … err … using it, if you get my drift, as most of us were so medicated the blood just wasn’t … engorging … that center of interest, so to speak.

Now, we also had the January and February issues and the centerfolds of Debra Jensen (January) and Janis Schmitt (February) were pretty hot as well, but Miss March. Aye-yi-yi!

The thing is, we had few visitors in that ward. Aside from the Miss America visit, all we had were guys from our units, mostly delivering our mail (including those magazines and on one occasion, some small bottles of Jack Daniels), and those visits were infrequent, so we relied on those magazines for company. We did a lot of things to occupy our time, like play cards and in my case, learn to draw, but when we wanted a break from our reality, out would come the magazines and the collective favorite — my favorite — was Miss March!

Playmates — and by extension Playboy — have a long history of being there for the troops. And veterans for that matter. Founder Hugh M. Hefner himself is an Army veteran. No shit! So, it was no small matter to him when 1965 Playmate of the Year Jo Collins started the tradition of Playmates visiting the troops around the world when she joined the USO in South Vietnam.
 Actually, her first visit was to deliver the first copy of a lifetime subscription to Army Lieutenant Jack Price of the 173rd Airborne Brigade. After that she would appear with Mr. USO himself, Bob Hope. Collins received the nickname of “G.I. Jo” for her dedication to the troops. Semper Fi Jo!

Although the puritanical [expletives deleted] have stopped Playboy Playmates from joining the USO tours, Hefner hosts the annual Stars and Stripes event at the Playboy Mansion, raising money and awareness for our troops and their families.

But, we can count on many comedians, musicians and Hooters Girls to keep our troops entertained. Every year Hooters put on Operation Calendar Drop in which patrons can buy Hooters Calendars and have them sent to our troops over seas, most signed by some of the Hooters girls in the calendar! Semper Fi Hooters!

My favorite Hooters Girl, as always, is Claudia! Currently she is working at the Santa Monica Hoots but will soon be in the Downtown L.A. store when it opens.

This is running on pretty long, but I don’t give a damn. It’s the 4th of Fuckin’ July. I’ve witnessed a lot of them in my life and every year the lump in my throat gets heavier. Yes, I’m proud to be an American, but it’s bigger than that. I’m just a small cog in this big beautiful mosaic we call the United States of America and when I travel down to the beach, passing Mission Bay Park and all the families having their picnics, it gives me a smile that on this day most of us can relax a little, have some fun and celebrate America’s rich pageant.

To the men and women serving our nation, here and abroad today: mucho gracias. That includes “civilian” government employees as well. You can be assured that State Department employees in Dubai or Singapore or Australia — pick a country — are wishing they were at home, having that barbecue in the park or their own backyard. We salute all of you!

And here’s to our Founding Fathers — and the women who pushed them to succeed. Thank you for 235 years of America!

Memorial Day 2011

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Mon, 30 May 2011 00:01:00 -0600

This is the most important holiday of the year, for me anyway. More important than Independence Day even. Today we honor the men and women, no longer with us, that served our nation in arms. Mainly those who gave their last full measure of devotion for this country, but also the ones who returned home and lived out their lives in a peaceful pursuit of happiness.

Liberty is kind of an ambivalent, vague, word for me, considering how much of our civil liberties have been chipped away by one law or another. Especially the Fourth Amendment, which at one time guaranteed our right to be free from all unreasonable searches and seizures.
 This really ticks me off: Congressional Democrats voted to extend the Patriot Act and President Obama signed it into law.

Then of course we have states that are actively restricting the rights of citizens to vote—the petition of grievances could go on, but this isn’t about that. Not today. No, Monday, May 30, 2011 is about honoring our fallen warriors, men and women. We can debate all that other shit another day.

In our family there have been many who served: uncles and cousins, but most especially our Dad and eldest brother and sibling: Carl Peter John Forkes and Carl Christopher Forkes, respectively. Both served in the Navy, Dad in World War II and Carl in Vietnam. Dad came home a hero and Carl, not so much.

Oh, he was every bit the hero Dad was, but during the Vietnam years veterans were just this side of scorned in this country and in some quarters, more than scorned. It wasn’t a popular time to wear the uniform. Carl and all those who served with him deserve a little more honor because of it.

So, as we go about our fun-filled day off from work, remember those who fought, and in some cases died, defending our nation. Attend a parade or a Memorial Day service at a military cemetery. Or just put an American Flag outside your door. We get to have our barbecues at the beach today because of those who served.

All gave some — some gave all.

Happy Mothers Day!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sun, 08 May 2011 12:01:00 -0600

In case you didn’t know, today is Mothers Day! So, if you forgot, hustle on out there and get a bouquet of roses, chocolates and if you’re really in the dog house, with either your Mom or the mother of your children, stop by the most celebrated jewelry store in town and buy the most expensive string of diamonds you can afford. From what I’ve been told, the investment is worth it in terms of peace and prosperity on the home front.

I was thinking — and that’s always a questionable pursuit even in the most benign of moments — that to commemorate Mothers Day I would give a shout out to all the sexy Moms out there, in particular Playboy Playmates (and other PB models) I know are Moms. I mean, what the heck, I have all their finest photos that prove why they are so uniquely qualified to bear and raise children. They’re moms too and deserve some love and recognition!

Shortly thereafter, a little Tim-looking angel appeared in the corner of my left eye and put the thought in my head that my own mother was just as uniquely qualified to bear and raise children as any Playmate, as are her three daughters, my lovely sisters Cheryl, Mary Lou and Elaine. Aw man! There went a good idea, out the window to be replaced by a sensible one.

Well, I do love my three lovely sisters and on occasion I do get cookies and other goodies from the three of them, not to mention all the great and fun times we’ve all had together! Why just recently Cheryl came to Sunny Sandy Eggo and we had an adventure of sorts as we took a cab ride to try and find the Kansas City Barbecue, featured in the Tom Cruise movie, Top Gun.

Then there was the time Elaine got married (to Gordon) in the mountains of Colorado on a dock in Grand Lake—it was Grand Lake, wasn’t it? Anyway, we had a great time while we were there, especially the Thursday Evening before the wedding. I love that photo MLou!

Of course MLou is a proud Grandmother now, her daughter having given birth to a lovely young girl Samantha! So my niece Nancy is automatically on my list of favorite Moms in the world!

But wait! There’s more! All four of my brothers have been married and two of them have children! Tony married the lovely Judy back in 1985 and they gave us two lovely daughters: Breanna and Kelsey! All right! That puts Judy on the roster of favorite Moms!

Ken’s been married twice and has three children: My nephew Andrew and niece Emyli from his first marriage to Laura and then little Sydney — Bean — with his second wife Cindy! Andrew and Emyli I’ve met and they’re wonderful; Bean is so adorably cute in all the photos so Laura and Cindy make it on to the roster of Favorite Moms!

Now, Rick was married three times, once to the lovely Janis. She’s a mom. I’ve heard all the stories and seen many of the photos so that puts Janis on the roster of Favorite Moms!

Just really soul-searching and wracking my memory, I can’t recall having any children myself so I dodge a bullet there … I mean, I don’t get to join in the parental jubilation. But if I could have a child with anyone, it would be … well, you’ll just have to leave that open to your imagination! That’s not to say I’m ready to grow up and start being an adult! No effin’ way! I’m just saying, were it to happen …

There is the chance I’d win the lottery and then all of a sudden paternity applications — in legalese, paternity suits — would come flooding out of every niche and cranny of my sometimes colorful past, but years ago, while serving in the United States Marine Corps I learned — the hard and painful way — Trojan is my best friend! We’ll dispense with the details.

This is about all the lovely mothers in my life, beginning with my Mom, may she rest in peace! Not always the happiest of people, she was a joy to be around nonetheless. When I’d go visit she’d give me a “to-do” list beautifully written in her nearly perfect handwriting. Mom was a wonderful cook as well. Love her beef stew!

Years after getting out of the Marines and after imbibing my last drink, Mom told me she hated the Marine Corps because it had taught me to drink and curse! I said, “Naw, that’s not true Mom! I was a drunk long before I got to the Marines, but they did teach me a few new ways to drop a fuckin’ F-Bomb!”

Moms just aren’t amused by those types of revelations, not when they’re coming from their children. But what the Hell, don’t you just love shocking Mom now and then? Oh jeez, there was that one time when Mom’s local priest was coming over for dinner so I decided the topic of conversation would be the hot topic of conversation about the latest unsubstantiated rumors surrounding the study and investigation (by the Jesuits and other Catholic orders) of the life and times of Jesus: in particular, is it possible Jesus was gay?

O Dear …

The priest, Father John, was cool with it, but Mom … eh, not so much. It’s not like I created the topic out of thin air, although I schemed and plotted to bring it up for at least a day, but still, it was a topic of conversation in the news! Mom forgave me eventually and Father John and I remained friends after Mom had left this Mortal Coil. If there is a Heaven, and a part of me hopes there is, may Mom smile down upon me! And continue forgiving me for my sins!

See, back when Hugh M. Hefner first published Playboy, Mom and her cohorts from the Christian Mothers of the great congregation of Saint Gregory the Great Catholic Church went and picketed Kubiak’s Drug Store when that fine establishment started stocking that fine magazine on its racks.

I don’t recall any of this of course, it was before my days on this Earth, but fast-forward to … I forget the year. I was out of the Marines and Mom had come for a visit and there in the corner of my living room, proudly displayed, was my fine collection of Playboy magazines! They’ve always had great articles. Mom, your heart was in the right place — I think — back in 1954, but jeez, there’s a reason those monks at the seminary knew I wasn’t meant for the priesthood.

Let’s not even bring up that little embarrassment! Well, what the Hell. For how long was the orientation scheduled? Doesn’t matter, it ended for me less than 72 hours later. I’ll never forget that Sunday Evening around the dinner table, the lowliest monk on the totem pole having driven me back to Milwaukee, eating Mom’s fine hamburgers, telling her and Dad the order didn’t think I was meant to be a priest. That was good news to me, but Mom, not so pleased.

Anyway, a salute to my Mom and all the wonderful Moms in my life, especially my sisters, niece and Outlaws — you know who you are. You have all brought the world wonder and beauty and for that you deserve all the love and admiration the world has to offer!

But you know, the original idea for this post … sigh ... maybe next year.

Happy Easter!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 00:01:00 -0600

Happy St Patrick’s Day!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:01:00 -0600

Today is the day when we be wearin’ the green, walking up and down streets drinkin’ an’ actin’ the fools — and some might even participate in a parade.

March 17th is a drinking day, an excuse — no, a mandate — to get out in the clubs and get so drunk our eyeballs hurt the next morning. Professional drunks, people in recovery in particular, refer to it as amateur night.

The stereotype of the Irish being a drunken lot, well that’s perpetrated by the Irish in many cases. It started though in the 19th Century after the Irish Catholics arrived as immigrants and participated in the many St. Patrick’s Day parades that took place around the country. Newspaper cartoonists portrayed the Irish Catholics as drunken monkeys.

But, let’s back up. The Irish have been celebrating St. Patrick’s Day for over 1,000 years. When Irish soldiers and sailors serving in the British Army and Navy were quartered here in the colonies, mostly in New York and Boston, they marched to honor their Patron Saint and celebrate their heritage. The first St. Patrick’s Day parade took place in New York City, as a matter of fact: March 17, 1762. This tradition has been going now for 249 years.

But let’s back up — again. St. Patrick is celebrated in Ireland because he’s the Catholic missionary who converted the Irish to Catholicism, less than 500 years after Christ. It was in the year 461 when St. Patrick died on March 17 and that became the day the Irish celebrated.

The good saint didn’t start life as a Holy Guy. At the age of 16 he was captured by Irish marauders and enslaved in Ireland. At the age of 22 he had a dream that prompted him to escape and get passage aboard a ship to Great Britain. Deeply religious, Young Patrick studied for the priesthood and was ordained a bishop. He had another dream telling him to return to Ireland and convert the Irish so he did, living in poverty and building Catholic churches everywhere. This was well before the time of Luther so the Church was the only Christian game in town at the time.

After he died in 461, the Irish bugged the Vatican until they made Patrick a saint and since then the Irish have been celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. As for driving all the snakes from Ireland, no one really knows if that’s true, but it makes for a good myth!

One problem with St. Patrick’s Day falling on March 17 though is that it conflicts with one other major observance in the Christian calendar: Lent.

This is the time when all good Catholics — and now other Christian denominations — give up some things as they prepare for Holy Week and Easter. According to the Gospels, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert before he started his ministry and Lent represents that period, although it might not actually be 40 days and most people celebrating Lent won’t be fasting. And, of course, the Church has officially said Sundays aren’t “fasting” days. So, if you gave up chocolate for Lent you can gorge yourself on Sundays!

As far as the Irish are concerned, and the Catholic Church since Ireland is predominantly a Catholic nation, St Patrick’s Day is another day to take a break from the rigors of Lent. A good Catholic observes St. Patrick’s Day by attending Mass in the morning and then going out to march drunkenly up and down the streets acting the fool and maybe attend a parade in the process.

But most people aren’t Good Catholics; most people aren’t even Irish. We just like to celebrate and many, if not most, of us like to do it with too much alcohol, like that horrid green beer! In my drinking days no self-respecting professional drunk would drink the green beer because most tavern proprietors use the skunkiest beer in their refrigerators for the green dye.
 Okay, I know, “self-respecting” and “professional drunk” is an oxymoron, but hey, most professional drunks are egotistical and grandiose so, let them (us) labor under the weight of that dichotomy!

To really celebrate the death of St. Patrick in the Irish tradition, you gotta drink gobs of Harp, Guinness, Irish Cream and Jameson’s, all at the same time if possible and enough to make you puke and wanna do it again. If you’re really hard-core, you just do the Guinness and Jameson’s.

“But Tim! What if you’re not a drinker and don’t wish to march up and down the street getting drunk and acting the fool and then possibly attending a parade?”

Well, you wear the green, maybe find yourself a three-leaf clover — the Shamrock — and go about your day wishing everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day! It has to be a three-leaf clover because that is the symbol St. Patrick used to explain the Holy Trinity: the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost! Well, since Vatican II it’s been the Holy Spirit. Whatever ...

If you wear a four-leaf clover you’re pushing your luck. You ever hear the term “Luck of the Irish?” They come by it honestly — through stereotype and myth.

Actually, it has some history behind it. The Irish are thought to be a most unlucky lot: famines, subjugation by the British, John Jameson loosing his barrel of whisky in the storm — so when the phrase is used in its original context, it means bad luck. Well, this is America DAMMIT and if we want it to mean good luck then that’s what it means! But it really means bad luck.

Lucky for us, the Irish chose to salute St. Patrick with partying, giving us an excuse to break our Lenten Fast. Growing up, Mom would always make corned beef and cabbage, even though the original meal was Irish bacon and cabbage. How corned beef replaced Irish bacon I do not know, but the idea of boiled bacon sounds so unappealing!

So, today, go out and do what you do to celebrate the patron saint of Ireland. For the vast majority of us that doesn’t include drunkenness. We just like to wear something green and be friendly. It’s always a treat to see someone smile! Attend Mass if that’s what you do and have a traditional Irish meal. Use this day to promote the ideal of good will towards all.

For you drunken revelers who will be marching up and down the streets and possibly attending a parade, sincerely, use other methods of transportation to get yourselves from one place to another. Don’t drink and drive. Keep this a day of celebration, not one of regret and remorse.

As for me, I don’t need alcohol to act the fool! Just ask anyone who knows me!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Go Packers!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 15:31:00 -0700

Today is my favorite holiday! Indeed! Super Bowl Sunday is a holiday! What do we do for and on Super Bowl Sunday? We gather together, family and friends, around a great table filled with feast and drink; we extend our well wishes to people we haven’t seen since the last Super Bowl Sunday—and then we gather ‘round in the living room and watch the tube! Just like on Christmas and Thanksgiving!

I’ll go further out on a limb and say this is at least as important a holiday for most Americans as Thanksgiving and Christmas. We ought to just have Congress formally anoint this Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday, as a national holiday, complete with all the banks and government offices closed on the following Monday!
 Boss: “I need you here Sunday!”
 Astute Employee: “I’d love to sir, but Sunday is the most important holiday of the year and my religion forbids working on Super Bowl Sunday! Except for the womenfolk who have to prepare all the food!”
 Ever notice, and I noticed this as a teenager, that on holidays, when we’re supposed to be at rest from our jobs and school, the women, our mothers, wives, sisters and girlfriends, are working their asses off all day. They actually work harder and longer on holidays!

So, this is just about the biggest Holiday of the year. And this year, two of the over-all best teams in pro football history face off in Dallas—Texas. Can you believe it? A Super Bowl in Dallas??!!?? Whoever thought having Super Bowls in Snow Belt cities was a good idea? Remember the one in Detroit? It’s hard to remember the teams that were in the game, but everyone remembers the location. It just ain’t right! Having a Super Bowl in the snow and cold!
 Actually, there were two Super Bowls held in the Detroit area: the first at the Pontiac Silverdome and the other at Ford Field.

Yeah, Dallas, TX has the new Cowboy Stadium, Jerry Jones’ new home. It’s definitely a great stadium, complete with a retractable roof, but due to recent weather, people will have serious trouble attending.

Back in the day, Super Bowls were held exclusively in Sun Belt cites: Los Angeles, Miami, New Orleans, Tampa, here in Sunny Sandy Eggo — even Stanford University, which isn’t actually warm this time of year, but it ain’t freezing with two feet of snow around the stadium.

If I’m spending the jing to attend a Super Bowl, which is going to run well into the thousands of dollars, just for the tickets alone, then I wanna go someplace warm and comfy where I can absolutely expect to see scantily clad women running around; preferably a beach community like Miami or Sandy Eggo! Bikinis!

Not Dallas! Or Detroit or Minneapolis! Warm weather stadiums. Jerry Jones though, carries a lot of weight in the NFL so if he wants a Super Bowl in his stadium, then he’s going to get one.

Here’s a kick in the balls; years ago the National Football League decided there would never be another super Bowl held at the Murph—I mean Qualcomm Stadium. If San Diego wants another Super Bowl, the city has to provide a new stadium for the Chargers. Well, the city as in, we tax payers and quite possibly the team itself. But who’s really betting on that?

If today’s Super Bowl were being held here, the game would have sunny skies and temperatures in the mid-70’s. Bikini weather. Instead, they have low 50’s in Dallas, with partly cloudy skies. What will the temperature be at game time? If they’re lucky, mid 40’s.

But, the NFL and the San Diego Chargers are holding the city hostage for a new fucking stadium. Why? It “only” holds about 72,000 people for a football game. Think about it: 72,000 people. That’s more people in most of the suburbs of San Diego. But it’s not enough. Cowboy Stadium can hold 110,000 patrons. About 30,000 of those peeps in standing room areas.

Then of course there are the luxury boxes. A million bucks to rent the best of those. There’s a lot of money to be made hosting a Super Bowl, especially if your team plays in that stadium.

So, we, the tax payers, get put on the hook, by our former mayor Susan Golding, for hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay for unsold tickets to Chargers games and the team and the NFL decide we can’t hold a Super Bowl in Qualcomm stadium? We gotta be on the hook for another billion dollars to build a new downtown stadium? Please!

But, that’s the state of the union concerning professional football. The last few years I’ve been betting the Chargers go to the stadium being built in the Los Angeles suburb of City of Industry, but, it turns out, AEG, Anschutz Entertainment Group, has planned and paid for a new downtown stadium in Los Angeles, preferably near the Staples Center where the L.A. Lakers play. They even got a 30-year, $700 million naming rights deal with Farmers Insurance.

Los Angeles will have an NFL team sooner than later and my bet is, when that stadium is finished the team calling it home will be the Los Angeles Chargers. But I’m a cynical bastard. In a recent press conference, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league wants all the current teams to stay in their respective locations. I’m sure he was sincere.

So, my Green Bay Packers are playing the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLV. That’s 45 if you’re trying to figure it out. Green Bay has appeared in four Super Bowls and won three of them, including the first two. They beat the Kansas City Chiefs in SB I, the Oakland Raiders in SB II and the New England Patriots in SB XXXI.

They lost to them effin’ Denver effin’ Broncos in Super Bowl XXXII — right here in effin’ Sandy effin’ Eggo! Effin’ Packers! Sheesh! And no effin’ commentary from the Colorado faction of the family! Bunch of wisenheimers out there, I tell ya.

So they better beat them effin’ Steelers today! All the talkers on TV are picking the Packers, which is a good sign, but in January of 1997 everyone was picking the effin’ Packers to beat the — I hate mentioning it and them — oh man, them effin’ Denver Broncos! Just thinking of it makes me constipated!

The Steelers, well they’ve won … let me look … six? Are you effin’ kidding me??!!?? The Pittsburgh Steelers have won six Super Bowls? Well, they are a great team, a great franchise with a long and majestic history. It’s only fitting that my Packers beat the best in this Super Bowl.

•••• •••• •••• •••• •••• •••• •••• •••• ••••
This is also the 100th birthday of President Ronald Reagan. Whoopee. Okay, he was the Great Communicator, but he still ranks as the second worst president in my lifetime. But, give the man, the legend, the myth, his due. He was a very likable, friendly guy. He didn’t have political enemies, he had political opponents and was often ready willing and enthusiastic to have parties and drinks with his political opponents.

Plus, in my lifetime, he did more for members serving in the armed forces and veterans than any other president. So, he wasn’t all bad. He liked jellybeans! I like jellybeans!

Now it’s time for the Super Bowl. Go Pack!

The Reason For The Season

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 12:01:00 -0700

Just finished watching the 1938 version of A Christmas Carol, starring Reginald Owen as Scrooge and Leo G. Carroll as the Ghost of Jacob Marley! If I’m rating the different versions that have come out over the years, this one is number two, behind the one featuring George C. Scott, the TV Version if you will, with Frank Finlay as Marley’s Ghost and Susannah York as Mrs. Cratchit!

Besides a tale about the evils of greed and selfishness, it’s also about, probably mainly about, the meaning of Christmas and the task of carrying that ideal attitude through every day of the year. It’s been decades since I read the original Dickens tale, but both versions follow closely to the story, as told by the novelist.

Scrooge changes his ways by the end, having been visited by four ghosts (let’s not forget Marley!). Scrooge makes good with his nephew, his heir, and then to his one employee, Bob Cratchit. We can’t help but feel good at the end! Mr. Scrooge is laughing! He’s acknowledging his miserly and selfish past and laughing at his past folly! Who cannot like that!

And we often walk around mimicking the former Mr. Scrooge: “Bah, Humbug!” “Christmas is for fools!” But that’s usually when we’re getting overwhelmed by the frenetic pace that typifies Christmas. We all have to run around buying gifts, getting all the right foods, getting the right clothes because the really nice clothes we wore last Christmas just won’t do for this Christmas.

Forgetting of course what Christmas is all about. Personally, I’m not talking the Christian reason for Christmas. Tired of seeing and hearing, “Remember the reason for the Season.” Well, okay, here’s a reason for this season:

In Northern Europe the people celebrated Yule. This was the pre-Roman and therefore pre-Christian, era. Those people decorated a Yule Log with boughs of Holly and Fir, inscribing runes on it calling on the gods to protect them from evil and bad times.

The Northern Europeans also decorated Holiday Trees and hung mistletoe, not for easy kisses, but to resurrect the Dead. Maybe Aunt Mollie kissing old Uncle Ralph is her bid to resurrect his Little Ralph. Eh, ya never know.

For me, the Reason for the Season is to remember my Family, not as I do all year ’round, but more so. It’s no accident the Christian Christmas coincides with the Northern Winter Solstice; the Romans set it up this way because spiritually, the Winter Solstice is the new beginning, the start of the wheel of life, when all the beings, from plants, to animals to fish, begin their rebirth.

The Winter Solstice is the longest night of the year and from that day until the summer Solstice, when we have the longest day of the year, we celebrate renewal and growth.

But I have family — most of my family — will celebrate Christmas in the Christian Tradition, with Christ as the reason for the Season. Not only is that okay with me, I hope they include me in their prayers and expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving. I know they will include me in their round of funny family stories … wish I could be “there,” you know, to defend myself, or at least tell a funnier version! Why tell a good story honestly when you can dress it up with a bit of exaggeration, hyperbole and undue melodrama! That’s my philosophy!

And I include them in my moments of thoughtful remembrance, gratitude and thanksgiving, especially today. Thanks to the advent of the Internet, e-mail, mobile phones and Facebook, I am “closer” to them as I ever was; we “talk” nearly every day and can check up on their daily activity with the click of a button, or two.

So, to my family: Cheryl, Mary Lou, Rick, Elaine, Tony and Ken; Lloyd, Judy (Great sweater!), and Gordon; Christopher, Nancy, Sarah, Daniel, Bre, Anthony, Andrew, Emyli, Kelsey, Sabrina, Channing, Brandon and Sydney:

And my closest friends: Dan, John, Eric, Grant and the Missus Jess, Mike, Ray-Ray, Liz, Brian (my lunch buddy) and Claudia.

— Thank you all and may all of you find nothing but blessings today and every day! I have more friends really: Alan from the Nooners, Terry and Julie — JULIE — Keith, Vicki, TomCat (that’s actually 2 people), Bill and Bill and Bunny, and Mike — that Mike (Thanks for remembering I’m the King) — Gary, Brian and Lisa-Lisa, and so many more!

Some of these friends go back nearly 20 years. If I’ve learned anything worthwhile in life, it’s remembering those who are the closest to me and have been there in sickness and in health, for better or worse; in short: my loved ones!

My wish for everyone, and some in particular, is that if you don’t know who your loved ones are, really, you come to know them and be grateful to have them in your life. That’s the reason for the season for me.

— But, if you wanna send me gifts, that’s okay with me too!

Happy Thanksgiving!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 12:01:00 -0700

Today is the day we express our continuing gratitude for the bountiful goodness of our lives. And for us, many of us anyway, there is a lot to be thankful for today.

One thing to be thankful for today: the James Bond Marathon on the SyFi Channel! Right now they are showing Thunderball, my first Bond experience! I was so in love with Domino, former Miss France Claudine Auger! That French accent! Sadly, the equally lovely Paula (Martine Beswicke) gets killed. She was Bond’s assistant. Actually, she was way hotter than Domino!

Thunderball is how I picture James Bond; an exotic, somewhat tropical setting (The Bahamas), Sean Connery — suave, sophisticated and sexually irresistible to all the ladies! Even the lesbian, Pussy Galore, in Goldfinger. No woman can resist James Bond! He’s my idol.
 Everyone considers Goldfinger to be the best Bond film, but I disagree. Thunderball is the best!

What kid doesn’t want to grow up to be the world’s greatest secret agent? I would bet even gay man would like to be James Bond. Ever wonder what a gay James Bond would be like? Me neither. It was a fleeting thought.

The dialogue is half the fun of a James Bond movie. In Thunderball the bad Bond Girl, Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) gets shot instead of Bond. He sits her down at a stranger’s table and asks, “Do you mind if my friend sits this one out? She’s just dead.”

Some of Bond’s best dialogue in Thunderball is with Fiona:
 They are commenting on Fiona’s Spectre ring and she says she likes wearing it. “Vanity has its dangers,” Bond replies.
 And then, after Fiona and the henchman capture Bond in the hotel, they have their tete-te-tete about the night before, when they had exquisitely good sex. Love it when he tells Fiona, “What I did was for queen and country. You don’t think I enjoyed it, do you?” You know he’s lying. He loved every minute of it!

But enough about the James Bond Marathon and Thunderball. We also get three football games today! Maybe more if there are college games being played. And then basketball, if you’re a Lakers Fan.
 My lovely friend Claudia is a Lakers Fan. This is my excuse to post one of her photos!
 What??!!? No Lakers game today? C’est encroyable! I’m keeping Claudia’s photo in! The Clippers are playing the Kings! Eh … a game meant to put us to sleep.

Let’s see … the Lions host the Patriots. I wouldn’t say this is a gimme for the Patriots. The Lions have started playing better. Then the Saints at the Cowboys; this would have been a gimme for the Saints, but now that Jerry Jones shitcanned Wade Phillips the Cowboys have picked up their game. Last NFL game of the day will be Jets hosting the Bengals. Eh … I guess this is another game meant to put all of us to sleep.

Thanksgiving is meant for football! Lots of yummy food and football! Sitting around, watching James Bond and football and eating the family feast.

This year, like the four years previous, my “family” will be my circle of friends. We will gather together at our meeting place and host a Thanksgiving party and feast for many. This year my contribution will be mashed taters and gravy. Both of which I’ll need to start preparing soon.

I used to buy those prepared potatoes, cooked (with the skin), cubed and bagged, in the produce section. That was the plan. Get about four pounds of them, heat them up, mash’em with some garlic, chives and butter and voila! Homemade mashed potatoes! But, two stores didn’t have them, two stores that in the past, always had them! What’s up with that?

So, I asked about them and the clerk stared at me with the quizzical look, “What the fuck is he talking about?” So, this year I went complètement moderne and got the prepared mashed potatoes in the tubs. Eh, not so Thanksgivingly romantic, but, getting lazy is a twist of aging. So, I am thankful we can buy prepared mashed potatoes in the tub. Takes some of the elbow grease out of Thanksgiving preparations. Don’t even ask about the gravy.

Ultimately, Thanksgiving is a family holiday. Back in the day, our wayward brothers and sisters would gather at the family homestead at 6254 West Idaho St. in Milwaukee, WI with Mom and Dad. Mom didn’t have the luxury of prepared mashed potatoes, she did everything from scratch, including the cranberries.

One of our last get-togethers on Thanksgiving our oldest brother Carl dropped thee bomb.

Okay, this story goes back many decades. Rick was about eight maybe, don’t really remember that minor detail. Anyway, Carl was still living at home and was out one night. Rick was coyly brushing his curls in the mirror in the sisters’ bedroom. Why? I don’t know. I was fast asleep in the boys’ room.

So anyway, Rick is brushing his hair, late at night in the girls’ room, which faces out on the back yard. The drapes were open and window was right behind the mirror. Well, up in the window a ghostly visage appeared. Rick turned around to get a better look and let out a scream that woke up the entire Southside of Milwaukee, including yours truly.

Mom tried getting into the girls’ room, but Rick was trying so hard to get out, neither could budge the door. By this point the ghostly visage had disappeared and once Mom got into the room Rick jumped into her like a leech refusing to let go, screaming, “Don’t go in! Don’t go in!” Or something like that.

Dad and the neighborhood men scoured the area for hours, looking for the culprit or clues, but nothing was found. It was the mystery of all mysteries for years. What was it — who was it — that scared the bejesus out of Rick all those years ago. For years we talked about the incident with reverence and fear, knowing that at any moment, some crazed person would be peeking in the windows.
 Years later when Rick and I had Milwaukee Sentinel routes, delivered in the wee hours of the morning, we were crazed persons … so to speak.

What I remember best about that night was that it was the first time I got to drink an entire bottle of Coca-Cola by myself! Up until that night I always had to share. Ah yes! Soon there after I actually ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald’s and shortly after that, a double cheeseburger! Bet you didn’t Coca-Cola was a gateway drug!

So, back to the Thanksgiving Dinner at Mom and Dad’s on Idaho St. This was about 1972 and once again the story of Rick’s Big Scare came up as a topic of conversation. Carl’s relatively new wife was dining with us so she had to hear the story.

As the story unfolded from Mom’s lips, quivering with fear at the appropriate moments, Carl smiled, and then began to giggle — and then laugh out loud!

“What the Hell is so funny??!!??”

And Carl told us his side of the story. He was coming home from wherever the fuck he was at that night, and stopped in the backyard to have one more smoke before entering the house. He wasn’t old enough to smoke so he did it on the sly.

Well, while having a smoke, Carl saw Rick coyly brushing his hair in the mirror and was overcome with a great idea! Finding a baby carriage with a white sheet, on the patio, Carl grabbed the sheet and crept up to the window. Carl was sneaky in his youth. He put the sheet over his head, raised himself up and tapped on the glass: tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, until Rick turned around to look. And the rest, as they say, is family folklore.

You should have heard Mom shriek when she found out who was responsible for the terrible night over a decade earlier. I seriously thought Carl was going to die that Thanksgiving, but Mom didn’t kill him. I guess having Allida (Carl’s wife) there, a possible witness for the prosecution, saved Carl’s life.

After that initial unveiling of the secret of the Terrible Night of Terror, the story was told with humor and laughs. Hell, we still laugh at it when we tell it in family circles. That story never goes out of style and most likely won’t, even though two of the principles are no longer with us.

Yeah, there are those who are no longer with us and we remember them fondly, affectionately, on Thanksgiving and express our gratitude for having them in our lives and the continued life of their memories.

My family and my friends, I am quite thankful to have them in my life today, whether here in San Diego, around the country or in my memories. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your lives.

Happy Halloween!

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Sun, 31 Oct 2010 12:01:00 -0600

Today is Halloween! One of my favorite Holidays! It’s at the top of my list because the trend has been, for a while now, young women especially, let their inner bad girl loose on this day/night! What can I say?

The thought I had for this year was this: since first seeing Bela Lugosi as the legendary Count Dracula, oh so many years ago, I’ve wanted to dress up as a vampire. Back in the day when I could have pulled off a Gary Oldham Dracula, or even a Bela Lugosi and maybe even a Frank Langella Dracula — I had all this long hair and a beard or goatee I didn’t wish to remove. So I didn’t.

Don’t have all that hair now, time has thinned and grayed it quite a bit, which wouldn’t be a bad look for Count Dracula, but now my body is more in the shape of a squash gourd. Thankfully, it doesn’t look like a pumpkin, but Count Dracula is supposed to be a dashing, sexually intoxicating creature. And I am not.

On the other hand, I could be a great Grandpa Munster! So, that was the plan, but … sigh … I didn’t quite get around to it. Getting dressed up for Halloween — properly — takes time and planning! My Dear and Lovely friend Claudia puts like, days and days into deciding and then implementing her costumes! Not gonna give away any of her secrets, but her creativity and drive to succeed and finish whatever she starts truly humbles me. Really. She is one of the most creative, and certainly, one of the smartest people I know. Kudos to you Claudia!

So, no costume this year. Back in the day, when still at the Shepherd Express — “Holy the vast lamb of the Middle Class! Holy the Crazy Shepherds of Rebellion!” — I was always dressed for Halloween. Apparently. Didn’t figure it out until one Halloween Weekend night I was walking down Brady Street to my car, late after the bands had stopped and it was time for a non-drinker like me to go home, when groups of people would stumble and fall out of the various bars on Brady.

From one such a group, a guy in a disheveled faux costume looked at me and said, “I get it! You’re Jerry Garcia!”

What?!? I wasn’t fat! I had long hair and a beard, was wearing a dark t-shirt under a leather jacket, but dammit! I wasn’t fat! Wouldn’t mind being Jerry Garcia though — without the diabetes and drug addiction of course. So, I shrugged and laughed and the thought slipped my mind.

Until the next bar and another group of stumbling patrons in disheveled Halloween costumes came stumbling out and another guy looked at me and said, “I know! You’re Cheech and Chong!”

Cheech and Chong? Okay, whatever. I’m Cheech and Chong. He probably meant just Tommy Chong. Or maybe he thought both of the comedy guys. Hell, a Cheech or Chong costume would be great! Carry around a nice G.Graphics bong, spreading one hits to anyone who wanted one. After Tuesday, we could probably get away with that too, here in California!

On the other hand, I no longer smoke or otherwise ingest marijuana, but I’m just saying, a Tommy Chong costume complete with a bong would be a great costume!

Ah, Cheech and Chong! “Earache my eye! You get your little fanny perpendicular ready and go to school!” Well, that’s not exactly how it goes, but close enough for blogosphere work!

Since that night, for several years, every Halloween I slightly adjusted my usual wardrobe and “dressed up” as either Jerry Garcia or Tommy Chong. Never thought to bring a bong along at the time. Dammit! And there were all those head shops on Brady Street! Eh, the police probably wouldn’t have seen the humor in a costume accessory that was used for the smoking of an illegal drug.

Not everyone celebrates Halloween. There are those, like Christine O’Donnell, who consider it an evil, Pagan holiday. She actually said, on Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect, some people fall victim to human sacrifices on Halloween! Religious fanatics make the funniest talk show participants. Usually.

The funniest thing about O’Donnell is that she has claimed to be a Good Catholic! Any good Catholic will tell you All Hallows Eve (Hallowe’en) is a religious holiday … sort of. It’s the precursor to All Saints Day (observed on November 1), which used to be a Holy Day of Obligation.

Now, back in the day when the Good Christians, i.e., Good Catholics, were forcibly converting the European cultures to the religion of Christ, to make it more palatable to the Celts, Normans, the Vandals and Visigoths, etc, the Good Catholics would make a Christian Holiday out of the “Pagan” holiday so the hordes would more easily assimilate into Christianity.

Along with the day of course came some of the European customs for those holidays, which is why we have holly wreaths, Yule logs and Christmas trees for Christmas, and carved pumpkins, scarecrows and costumes for Halloween. In the Celt society, the holiday was celebrated by people who carved pumpkins and wore scary costumes to ward off the evil spirits, which would come through the veil separating this world from the Underworld.

It took place at this time of year because the harvest was mostly over and the days would become much shorter. It was on this day, now Halloween, when that veil separating the two worlds was at its thinnest and spirits from the Underworld could easily cross back into this world.

Now, we just dress up — or not — and have fun! Halloween is for kids and adults! It’s just that the adult tricks and treats are far different from the kiddie tricks and treats most associated with Halloween. I really like some of the adult treats!
 I’m a sinner of the worst sort! A few years ago this survey was going around MySpace judging just how sinful we are. My score was almost 900 out of 1,000. My friend Veronica Tejeda, the Real Miami Heat and herself a naughty Catholic, saw my score and said I was surely going to Hell. But Hell, her score was over 500 so I assured her we would most likely have neighboring holes in Hell. I should be so lucky.

But Christine O’Donnell (and the crazies who think like her) doesn’t observe Halloween. My lovely sister Elaine, herself a darn good Catholic, is reprising her costume as a witch! Now THAT’s a great costume! She actually scared a few kids with it, she looks so authentic! Kudos to you Lainey!
 Oh yeah, in her first commercial for the general election, Christine O’Donnell assured everyone she is not a witch. Umm … thanks Christine. We know you’re not a witch. An idiot, but not a witch. And the separation of church and state, the “Establishment Clause,” is in the First Amendment.

Were Christine O’Donnell truly a good Catholic, she would be dressing as a witch or scarecrow and greeting the trick or treaters tonight with wonderful candies and, because she’s so religious, give the kids religious pamphlets! Those will scare the BeJesus out of them!

So, the moral of this story is, be a good Christian, dress up in a scary costume and celebrate this religious holiday! Or not, but make sure you have some candy on hand!

Labor Day

nospam@example.com (Tim Forkes) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:01:00 -0600

Today is Labor Day. How ironic. Labor, according to the crazy right, “labor” is the BIG problem in America today. Well, not the workers they say, the unions that represent the workers! It’s like they don’t know who makes up the unions. Or, more than likely, “they” choose to deny reality for their political ambitions. It’s great beating up on the unions, considering they almost invariably come out endorsing Democrat candidates for all the various offices.

There was the exception in the 1980’s when a couple of unions endorsed Ronald Reagan for president. One of those unions was PATCO, The Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization. They backed Reagan in the 1980 presidential election in the mistaken belief he would back them when it came time to negotiate their contract with the Federal Aviation Administration.

The workers soon found they had put their trust in the wrong guy. When the workers went on strike to win concessions for a shorter workweek, among other demands, in August 1981, Reagan fired all air traffic controllers that didn’t return to work. Since then it’s been pick on the unions.

When the bailout for General Motors and Chrysler was being negotiated, what the Right really wanted to do to give any support to the deal was break up the unions. It was incredible to see the auto companies standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the autoworkers union in those heated hearings on capital hill. The “Big Three” would not let go of their workers and the union that represents them.

To be sure, the union gave a lot of concessions, lowering the cost of producing the cars, but in the end GM and Chrysler got the bail out, rebounded financially and have since paid back.
 On a side note, how did that bail out for the financial institutions work out? The one Bush and his administration pushed through, with Bush’s Secretary of the Treasury, Henry Paulson, insisting there be no oversight attached to the nearly one trillion dollars.
 The money was paid back, sort of. The government, we the people, own about a fifth of the banking world.

The government is no longer in the automobile business.

Labor built this nation. Did all the heavy lifting. And until the unions came into existence, the workers paid a heavy price for all that labor: long, long hours, no such thing as overtime, dangerous and often deadly working conditions and no laws to protect women and children from predatory employers.

These days, with unemployment at its highest levels since the Great Depression, the workers of America have taken it on the chin. Read in the Union-Tribune’s letters section, right-wing nuts blaming the police and firefighters unions, along with the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees—AFSCME—for the city’s financial woes. Apparently, providing for one’s family and future is too much for government employees to ask. But it isn’t the workers, it’s the unions,.

Well, here’s a newsflash, the workers are the unions and Labor Day was created to honor the working class and the unions that represent some of them, now less than 15% of all employees in America; 12.3% actually.

So, salute to all my fellow workers, the one who actually do the heavy lifting, and the unions that have worked hard to make life in America better for those of us who do the work. Maybe one day the monied class will have a little respect for us. Call me a dreamer.